Test 2

Haha. 10 posts and it's the end of September already! Time to close shop? File for bankruptcy ala Lehman Brothers to save my ass. Start afresh. That would be nice too.

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Why I'm resuscicating resusiscating resuscitating (wow I haven't written for so long I can't even spell anymore!) the blog is simple actually: I realise I like to talk to myself. A lot. I even call myself "Jose" when I do that. Haha I remember this phase sometime last year, thanks to my English Literature class, when I had this incredible fascination with the notion of "othering of the self". As if the concept of "self" and "other" isn't fascinating by itself. :) Anyway for a few months I was referring to myself in the third person, even when I blogged. It was fun la -- cheap thrills.:)

I know, I know it's not the best idea to talk to self in public, so I try not to. But at work, in the stillness of cold airconditioned afternoons, I find myself suddenly just blurting, a little above a whisper, words to myself. Like, "Ano ba yan, Jose?", or "Come on think", or "Where'd you put it, Jose?" or "Galing mo ah." (Haha) Then I catch myself, look around if anybody heard me, and begin to wonder: how do people manage to keep very quiet while working? Really.

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And the work part. That's the big difference between the Joseph of late and the Joseph ten weeks back. What can I say, I think I'm lovin' it. Haha, really. Interesting things to learn, check. Use for my skills, both quantitative (mostly this!) and qualitative, check. Making use of too-academic-seeming degree (Statistics) to practical purpose (Risk/Credit/Finance), check. Pay OK, check. Fantastic team, check. What more could I ask for right?

And it's the people too. Really, I think I hit the jackpot with my team. They're too jolly for a bunch of bankers. Haha. They're the type who play hard, but you know work hard too. My VP whose supervising me is an NUS Stats alumnus like me, and boy, he knows a lot of things, I'm impressed. He jokes and laughs half the time too, so I'm glad that after I semi-berate Jose for not matching the speed of the VP, I share a good reassuring laugh with him. Our boss is an Aussie chap, who has to be one of the most admired people I know (I'm a fan myself). He's the type who everyone loves, for his sense of humour, for his general vibe, but he's one tough cookie too. He is able to tackle all the issues head-on, has a thing for materiality and relevance and proactivity, and knows how to make sense of numbers and issues in a way that's understandable (his analogies are both illuminating and witty), and always reminds us of legacy and integrity. The rest of the team are terrific too. There's this warmth and laughter lah -- the kind I assume to be familiar to our Filipino culture -- but when it's crunchtime, they deliver.

I didn't think this was the right entry to post this, but since I've already rambled on above, here's me with my bosses:

Haha. Angmoh boss was told by my other VP to wear her pink scarf cos it was raining.

Test

But really, that happens to be my favourite question, or a variant of it. In a particular quiet time, I go ask the nearest person, "So.. what are you thinking?"

And I mean it, it's fascinating. I love to know what's on people's minds. Some minds I can't particularly read, and so I ask. Some minds I can read a bit and make a guess, but I want to confirm. Some minds I know what's going on at a particular time, but ask anyway, because I like to hear it spoken aloud, and it feels better that way sometimes for kaypoh (busybody) little me, and for the other party I hope. And lest you think I'm being intrusive, I only ask this question to people I'm close to, who I know wouldn't mind sharing.:) I happen to like asking the question, and being asked it.

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And since I like talking to myself (Don't admit this in public, I was once advised), I ask myself too what's on my mind, for the simple reason that I'm not sure myself. It's all a load of mush right now, and I wouldn't know where to start.

All I know that something's going on in there, and I'm affected. Sometimes I think too that what's in the head is separate from what's in the (pardon me while I cringe at my own cheesiness) heart and what's in the other head (haha oops), but I think from my high school biology lessons it's really all in the brain. All in the head.

And the past two weeks especially, of goodbyes and long-distance calls and new changes, of dinners and suppers and meeting my favorite ex-colleague and good friends, of long walks by my lonesome and and the realization of too much/too little 'me' time, of stuff of the I-can't-believe-I'm-saying-this and I-can't believe-you-said-that kind, of more emo 'oh-shit-I-remember-this-feeling' moments, of waking up randomly at 4AM OR sleeping at 4AM, of being dazed and spacing out randomly at work, of SAS codes and correlation and reliability of parameter estimates, of birthday parties and beer and tequila and Japanese whiskey and Michael Jackson(!), of music and choir and harmonies and China, of tagged photos and videos and Facebook (I'm not flirting!) and Mafia wars, of lousy lousy Windows Live Messenger screwing up my conversations with at least three different people, of Holy Week and Easter reflections (or lack of) and of supreme love regardless, of little surprises that make me feel like I'm valuable, that I'm missed, that I'm loved, even if I'm feeling sloppy and insecure and slightly stoopid.

Yep, I confirm that lingering suspicion that it's all soup in my head right now. No surprise there.

(I realize the paragraph before the previous is so incredibly long and incoherent and random and painful haha and I'm sorry. That's the closest I can get to telling my current state of affairs.)