Good intentions

I was about to title this post "Stream of consciousness", but I realize I've already used that in a two-year-old post. Ever easily distracted, I read through it, and it amuses me that some things never quite change.

I'm finding it hard to accept criticism, and that's a fault I need to fix. It's a qualified sort of statement, actually, as there are just a few buttons I don't like being pushed. Push them even half-jokingly, and I'll feel bad. It's not a conscious thing; it just happens. Anyway, it's no big deal, really, but expect me to be "off" for a while.

I remember my high school academic archnemesis Steph (and secretly one of my favorite persons all in the platonic space) saying I'm fun to annoy, you just need to know which buttons to push. Haha touché. It's true, I think. Some buttons you can push over and over again, and I wouldn't mind at all. Lol you can call me PFY (thanks or no thanks to you Clint ex-birthday boy), and I wouldn't care so much. Oh, what irks me is if you accuse me of something I sincerely know in my heart is untrue (bias notwithstanding). That will set me off.

What's the difference between 22 and 20? Joseph v.2006 and Joseph v.2008? Same same but different. But same same. Kulit.

What I think the current Joseph v.2008 has figured out (or is finally aware of, thank heavens), is that he's more a critic-er (i.e. critic) than critic-ee. That's not a very good thing, but I guess it shows, I think I'm a better editor than a writer. I'm working on the receiving end bit.

Hmm then again, aren't we all? For all of us, I think it's so much easier to fault others than admit to our own faults. Haha Joseph, remember two things: You are special; you are not special.


* * *

The thing about being critical, is that I apply it across the board. If I'm critical of others, oh you can imagine how critical I am of myself. When it gets too much, I quote my Be-Good-to-Self policy, and it's fine again.

* * *

I've been itching to blog every day since last week, but whoa was it one long week at the office! For starters, Ferron's prophecy came true, finally, that in the course of my stay at the Deep Blue Sea, I'd go home at 10:30pm. We were preparing this report as a team, and just had to finish that section, so we all left at 10:20pm. At least there was free dinner, and I had my Benz taxi ride home reimbursed.

Finally yesterday we submitted a good draft of our report, and it's bound to cause some stir. I'm half-fearful and half-praying the numbers I crunched are correct, the online system which I cross-checked and helped develop, churned out the right numbers, as the worst thing would be for the affected parties to dispute the numbers-based claims in the report, and it would point to me.

But nah, my M-O boss and my Hairy Monster boss are particularly careful, especially in a report that's quite a loaded gun.

* * *

The report got me thinking about three things: good intentions, integrity, and the CYA principle. I feel utmost sympathy for people who do things with the best and purest of intentions, but unfortunately that can only lead so far. And sometimes we just have to make the tough call of policing, as part of keeping integrity. And the CYA, i.e. Cover-Your-Ass principle, is all-encompassing: for the do-gooders, for the do-badders, for the good-intentioned do-badders, even for the police.

Of the three things, if I had to choose one, I'd choose good intentions. It may get me in trouble, or at least I'd rub people the wrong way thanks to my poor judgment or my lack of tact or the fact that I'm slightly overcritical, or maybe it won't cause me trouble at all, but that's how the Joseph I know currently thinks. My image as Resident Evil may counter this point, and, well, I can't refute that. Haha.

And yes, I'm aware that the road to hell is paved with good intentions, as they say. See you there, suckers. (I just had to say that.)

* * *

Further proof that Joseph v.2008 is essentially same as Joseph v.2006 or heck, Joseph v.1986: I still delight in my simple things. Haha, like cheese, mango, and bacon. Like small smile, small talk, old friends. Like unexpected favorite song playing on radio or mp3 player. Like boss-given free Starbucks mocha frap and self-paid $10 bacon melt sandwich. Haha. But my real point is this, below. I opened the file one morning and it made me smile. Haha.

Yes, consistent with my grade school and high school image, fine I'm still a geek. Haha.

Mmmm Saturday! Long day today, let's go.

Early edition

5:08AM. Strangely enough, I find early mornings good times to blog. I woke up at 3:30AM, and after a round of Facebooking and YouTubing, I still don't feel like sleeping, so I might as well.. Can't say I'm not sleepy though. ('Sleepy' != 'feel like sleeping' I think)

Hmmm makes me wonder if I'm really that anxious that my VP (aka my boss of sorts) is coming back today after his two-week reservist training (something Singaporean men have to do yearly I think), and I haven't completed the self-imposed stuff I planned to clear. 'Self-imposed' is the operative word. Jose you look for trouble when there isn't any. Haha can't think now who the first person to tell me that was. 

Anyway my colleagues playfully messed around with my VP's desk on Friday in preparation for his return today -- hid his water jug, dumped jars of pineapple tarts and other sweets on his desk, opened some of his investment books and placed it on his chair, under his opened umbrella, etc -- so I can't wait to see his reaction when he arrives later. 

See the veep is this perfectionist guy who likes everything nice and tidy and perfect. That is of course, when he's not playing cheeky or joking around. He's quite the OC type, such that in the height of the movie Wall-E, he was branded the 'foreign contaminant robot' (what's his name again? Wiki says it's M-O, for Microbe Obliterator -- thanks!). M-O is this maintenance robot that compulsively cleans out any filth in its path, and is annoyed by the impossibly dirty Wall-E. My veep is super cool la, I like. 

Oh, and they call me Wall-E in the office -- not cos I'm filthy of course -- but because I eat anything they give me, especially the unconsumables ("if nobody else wants, i'll just throw cos i'm full already" kind) from lunch. My boss says his KPI is to fatten me up and double my size, and I've been doing my best to help him achieve that.:)  So all the extra mooncakes and potato chips and Oreo cookies and ultra creamy apple pie(!) that nobody could consume all go to me. Waste not right? It helps too that I'm the sort who would eat anything on a dare, and have no qualms eating new food like fish eye (vitreous part and all) and Starbucks chai tea, just for the heck of it. Haha.

Anyway M-O and Wall-E have an interesting dynamic in the movie, hopefully the photo below won't be happening in any form later today!

Haha I love it how M-O's eyes are like slits like my VP's. Chinese Singaporean lah. 

* * * 

In other news, my ingrown nail is still alive and well, and continuing to torture me every day. Less and less over the weeks though, but it's still there, bleeding and pussing (new word anyone?). Why I don't go for surgery I'm not sure actually, when I could charge it to the Deep Blue Sea anyway, but I'm guessing I'm still in denial. I think I'm perfectly fine -- so what's the point in surgery right? I thought it was a cool thing for my Dad to not opt for surgery when he had his ingrown nail before, cos he has a thing for blood, but when I heard he had to bear with it for a year(!), suddenly I had second thoughts about what to do with mine. One of my housemates Ferron thinks I enjoy the pain, which may be partly true. (no surprise there, right?) ;P My pharmacist friend Huixian scolds me everytime I tell her I still haven't gone to the doctor, and almost everyone else thinks I should go too.

But hey, I went for clubbing with my ingrown nail okay -- twice! That either means I have a high tolerance for pain, or I'm just plain stupid. Or both. Haha though I highly suspect it's just my thing with alcohol (aka the joy that alcohol brings), and my belief in clubbing therapy. 

In any case, to calm my friends and family, ingrown nail is under control. I'm limping less now. Haha.

* * *

I've been willing myself to get into the groove of this 'time for a fresh start' thing, but procrastination (or busyness, or laziness, or some other variant) always gets the better of me. Whatever I mean by 'fresh start' I'm not sure myself, but it's a good thing. I thought September was the month, but now maybe October is. Actually I thought graduation was it. Haha. Anyway I'd like to think I'm changing for the better every day. (I think the housemates are gonna laugh when they read this -- they call me Resident Evil. Lol) So, really, this starting afresh thing I've put in place and activated a long time ago and is currently doing perfectly fine. 

* * *

Some shout-outs. It was nice meeting you again, Ms Abercrombie & Fitch, over lunch at the airport on Saturday! Wow it's been a while and woohooo didn't that feel like The Amazing Race running to the to catch your connecting flight? I could hear the AR theme in my head, really. To DJ Gomez, hope you had a good overnight stay here in SG? Haha I apologise for the dead phone thing, and the fact that we just played DotA on the Saturday night you were here, but that's what you wanted too right? Hehe you even suggested it! :) Oh and I'm happy for you and your your girl(y). Haha! To Devil Jin the new forensics guy, thanks for choping the free drinks and inviting us to Zouk last Friday. Shiok! And to True Friend Rockman, thanks in advance for the more free drinks on Saturday! Haha.

* * *

You know it's late early morning already (i.e. past six am), when the uncles and aunties, in their jogging pants and rubber shoes, appear on the court downstairs for their daily tai-chi sessions. Maybe I'll stalk them from my fifth-floor window and join them for their morning exercise? Erm, maybe not, though I must say it's admirable what they're doing. 

Mmmm good morning Singapore. Wall-E's off to nap. 6:34AM!

Conversations with Myself

Ah, it's been a while. 

Considering it's been three months(!) since my last post -- where I shamelessly claimed to be "back" and implied it to be the first of a series -- and that post was about one month after the previous,  if this trend continues then perhaps the next entry will be right about five months from now. Just nice. 

I was thinking of closing down the blog, even, as maybe things just have to come to an end. If you look at that 'Archives' count on the left hand side, numbers have been steadily decreasing, business has been bad over the four five(!) years of existence of this blog:

Haha. 10 posts and it's the end of September already! Time to close shop? File for bankruptcy ala Lehman Brothers to save my ass. Start afresh. That would be nice too.

* * *

Why I'm resuscicating resusiscating resuscitating (wow I haven't written for so long I can't even spell anymore!) the blog is simple actually: I realise I like to talk to myself. A lot. I even call myself "Jose" when I do that. Haha I remember this phase sometime last year, thanks to my English Literature class, when I had this incredible fascination with the notion of "othering of the self". As if the concept of "self" and "other" isn't fascinating by itself. :) Anyway for a few months I was referring to myself in the third person, even when I blogged. It was fun la -- cheap thrills.:)

I know, I know it's not the best idea to talk to self in public, so I try not to. But at work, in the stillness of cold airconditioned afternoons, I find myself suddenly just blurting, a little above a whisper, words to myself. Like, "Ano ba yan, Jose?", or "Come on think", or "Where'd you put it, Jose?" or "Galing mo ah." (Haha) Then I catch myself, look around if anybody heard me, and begin to wonder: how do people manage to keep very quiet while working? Really. 

* * *

And the work part. That's the big difference between the Joseph of late and the Joseph ten weeks back. What can I say, I think I'm lovin' it. Haha, really. Interesting things to learn, check. Use for my skills, both quantitative (mostly this!) and qualitative, check. Making use of too-academic-seeming degree (Statistics) to practical purpose (Risk/Credit/Finance), check. Pay OK, check. Fantastic team, check. What more could I ask for right? 

And it's the people too. Really, I think I hit the jackpot with my team. They're too jolly for a bunch of bankers. Haha. They're the type who play hard, but you know work hard too. My VP whose supervising me is an NUS Stats alumnus like me, and boy, he knows a lot of things, I'm impressed. He jokes and laughs half the time too, so I'm glad that after I semi-berate Jose for not matching the speed of the VP, I share a good reassuring laugh with him. Our boss is an Aussie chap, who has to be one of the most admired people I know (I'm a fan myself). He's the type who everyone loves, for his sense of humour, for his general vibe, but he's one tough cookie too. He is able to tackle all the issues head-on, has a thing for materiality and relevance and proactivity, and knows how to make sense of numbers and issues in a way that's understandable (his analogies are both illuminating and witty), and always reminds us of legacy and integrity. The rest of the team are terrific too. There's this warmth and laughter lah -- the kind I assume to be familiar to our Filipino culture -- but when it's crunchtime, they deliver.

I didn't think this was the right entry to post this, but since I've already rambled on above, here's me with my bosses:

Haha. Angmoh boss was told by my other VP to wear her pink scarf cos it was raining. 

* * *

OK, this entry has been incredibly long already, but I can't miss to greet a certain Reynaldo a happy happy birthday (sorry this is a few hours late). I tried to call a while ago, but you guys must be having dinner or something? I couldn't contact your phone and Kai's, so hopefully you just ran out of battery. That, or maybe the family was having dinner at some ulu place with no signal. Haha. 

Happy 62nd Dad.:)  All my good vibrations go out to you and the family. Doesn't look like the best of times for the family and the business, as you've told me over the phone the other day, but I'm glad you're holding up incredibly well. Trust my Dad to stay cool amid external pressures -- keep optimistic, be proactive, that's what he says. I try to do that too -- with less successful results (haha that's no secret). But I try OK, and that's a start. Another thing I got from my Dad is the zits, but that's another story. Hehe. 

 Trivia: Ma wore that same dress in my Grade School graduation in 1999, in my High School Graduation in 2003, and last July in my University graduation. Haha Ma is too cute. :)

Since I'm posting -- and since this is supposed to be the comeback blog post of sorts -- I might as well post a photo of the family, aka Joseph's Top 5:

* * *

Yep it's good to be back. And I think I'm back for good, too. Don't take my word for it, though. Haha! 

And we're back (Part 1)

Ahh.. it's good to be back. Not that I ever left, technically. But a six-week hiatus is quite a long time eh? I guess it's high time I fill you in on the events that happened since that (semi-panicky?) entry two days before my final exams.

Oh where do I start.

Maybe I'll digress a bit first and say that the reason I haven't been blogging is that I've been busy moving out (of school) and moving in (the Clementi house -- where a grand total of 7 people share the 3-bedroom flat -- and I have a single room!), and this seemingly neverending Research Assistant part-time job I've signed up for. It doesn't feel quite right that I blog while I have the task at hand; it's a nagging feeling I can't shake off. (Don't ask me why I had time to go [learn to] play Warcraft, finish almost two seasons of Lost, and head off downtown during weekends for jalan-jalan or laag in Bisaya. Haha.)

Anyway, for this part-time job, I've dutifully finished that chunk of the job that involved using the Bloomberg terminal, a gruelling task I've had to learn the hard way: downloading and cleaning and sorting and crunching of data, just so the R programs (which I wrote too) could read it. I finished this last Monday, so since then, I've been itching to blog. Why it's Thursday now, don't ask me.:) The other chunk of the job I'm still doing, but I have no deadline! Sigh, someone please give me a deadline. I need motivation!

What's my point again? That I couldn't have blogged before Monday. Brevity, Jose. Brevity.


* * *


OK. Here we go.

Last two final final exams were OK, though the Stats for Finance exam really had me very stressed. I don't think I've ever been as panicky as that for an exam -- at least based on my pre-exam puke count (my apologies, too much info). The last exam was the Longi exam, and I thought the Year Fours could have done a Stats whoosh or some celebratory yahoooo after the exam, but it turned out the exam was too short, too simple even for some. Haha my good friend Chang finished first, and I remember giving him a grin from my seat as he grinned back and waved goodbye through the glass panel of the door. And then everyone else soon left one by one! So much for my Stats whoosh! I couldn't finish earlier, but I did manage to let off a 'woohooo' in the hallway after the exam.:D So far, some of us stats kids have had two post-exam dinners... another one around graduation hopefully.:)

Oh yeah there were drinking sessions too. Haha. I think I drank (note: not 'got drunk' -- though the drinking buddies may think otherwise) for three nights straight with two groups of people, the Pinoy bridge gang at PGP and some choir kids at Kurien's sexy new condo at Novena. That was for the weekend, and I just hoped I was sober enough for Round 2 of my Deep Blue Sea interview that Monday!


* * *


Thankfully, the Deep Blue Sea interview was a breeze. I talked too much (not surprising), but then again, I think the interviewer asked too much too (quite surprising, but I didn't mind answering!). I'd even say it was fun; it just seemed like we were chitchatting. Heck, I even wanted to ask my (pretty) HR interviewer questions so it would really have qualified for a chitchat. (No malicious intentions la, it was just a fun interview)

I really like the company, and I was hoping they like me back.

And thankfully, that seems to be the case. I got a call two days later, informing me I'll soon be swimming in the Deep Blue Sea. I was half-asleep when she called too ("Hi Joseph... are you still sleeping?" "Err.. hello good morning Ms X!").

One application, and I got it. I'm still unsure whether I should be glad my success rate is 1/1 or 100%, because I didn't quite get the chance to try applying (I looked, for the record) for other companies. It would've been nice to try a few others no?

Interviews really make me nervous those few days and hours leading to the actual session, but I find I'm actually quite relaxed during the real thing. I daresay I even enjoy myself during some interviews, like these latest two.

I was telling Aaron and Matt some tips on their respective interviews. I told them about the 3 C's of How to Ace an Interview, which I've come up with: Charm, Confidence, and Crap. Seriously, I think those are all you need.;) I must clarify that 'Crap' here means the good crap (and smooth-talk crap too, I think!): know your stuff, know the company, know the position and the tasks, know yourself and how to substantiate your statements i.e. know your crap! Confidence is a must; how do you persuade people to believe in you if you don't yourself? Charm, well, it's the least technical, but you know, it has to be there, at least to some extent. I think the showbiz people call it the X factor, I like to call it charm.*wink* You know what I mean.


* * *


Okay, I think I've said too much crap for a day. Screw brevity, I'm crapping all this for myself. Haha. Blame the fingers, they're doing the typing. I'll crap more next time, and resume talking about the rest of the six weeks I've been MIA.

I think I'll do a bit of R programming again before I sleep too. Goodnight!

Last Two

The last's are always remarkable stuff -- and you don't even have to go the emo route to at least acknowledge their significance.

I was thinking that since I'm halfway done with my finals, and I have two remaining exams in two days, I really should be doing some counting down of sorts. And making these last two exams significant one way or another. The last exams of my university days! The last exams as an undergraduate ever!

And now that I'm pouring my brain cells and time and energy -- my all essentially -- into these last two exams, I thought I might as well make it a little more significant, by, erm, offering these efforts to some people (No, it's not as cheesy as it sounds.)

Anyway, let me just for the record say that I'm offering all this tremendously tedious hard work to My Favourite People -- you know who you are. Or not. Haha, you're probably reading this (or not), but if you at least remotely think of me and hope for a second that I'll survive these trying times (not only mentally but physically -- I've begun to throw up again!), then most probably you're one of them.

Or even if you don't even know I'm struggling now, but if you so happen to impact me that I'm just fond of you, even if it doesn't show (either me being fond of you, and you being likable, or both), haha this one's for you as well.

Actually, My Favourite People has probably the loosest membership schemes in the universe, and you know me and you don't hate me enough, and I know you and I smile my silly smile when I meet you, then that's it. Lol.

Of course The Family is a shoo-in in this group, and I please hope you pray for me, Dad, Ma, Kai, and the Lola's, like you always do, as I think I'm gonna need a good dose of divine intervention in the next couple of days. Apparently, like my good Stats buddy Chang, I believe in good vibrations being passed around as well.

Sometimes I feel bad that I remember to pray the hardest during times like these, as if I've become reward-oriented and desperate. Still, I believe in divine help, and I know and trust the Big Man will help me get through these exciting times.

Two days, two exams, let's go.

Free Cones, Cheap Thrills

So I finally got me my Me Time, when I least planned it.

It was Tuesday. There I was, leaning on the railing at some spot at the expansive view deck of Vivo City, my free Ben & Jerry's strawberry ice cream cone in hand (my bad flu notwithstanding), and before me were the breathtaking sights of the harbour and its randomly dispersed fleet of ships, and of the (real) deep blue sea (in contrast to the secret one I nicknamed as such) that shimmered in the early sunset, while the gentle evening breeze just nicely ruffled my hair.

My eyes wandered down to the floor below me, where two little angmoh (Caucasian) kids were playing in the small man-made pond of sorts. The little girl was standing precariously close to the edge where the tiles met the water, and she began to lie down on the tiles, while her even littler brother was walking around tracing the outline of the pond (I think pond is the wrong word.. but let's let it go OK). Soon, after a particularly enthusiastic round of tracing, the little boy fell on the ground -- face first -- stayed there for a second, stood up to find his sister staring and giggling, before he began to cry and run to his Mom, who was having coffee with a friend. The Mom said a few quick words and patted him, and soon he was back in the pond again, laughing as if nothing happened.

This time it was the sister who I was worried about. She was walking -- prancing, even -- on the edge again, and she had this carefree manner about her that I was worried she'd fall into the water and wet all her clothes. And true enough, she did step into the water, and I remember thinking, Oh this silly pair of kids, before realizing that the water of the "pond" was barely ankle-deep. Cheyyy. Now she looked like she was walking on water, prancing on water, even, and soon her brother joined the fun and did the walk-on-water trick as well. Looked cool, I would've joined them if only I wasn't at least four times their age. Hehe.

I accidentally dropped the colourful ice-cream-shaped promo flyer I was given while I queued ("Love... is giving" it said, among other things), to the floor below, and the little boy ran to get it. Little boy and little girl were looking at it and playing with it afterwards, though I wouldn't be surprised if they tired of it by the end of the day. Hehe. Those kids were incredibly cute.

A trio of girls were camwhoring to my left, sitting down on a mat, taking photo upon photo of their free B&J cones (it was the annual Free Cone Day, let me spell out the obvious), and a guy yuppie was to my right, enjoying his cone as well while looking out at sea.

Just nice. Joseph alone with his multiple selves, with a spectacular view before him, some adorable little kids too, and also around were some random people, who, although he didn't know or care for much, really, seemed to be in such pleasant spirits he can't help but feel the same. Yep, time to chill, relax, and rest after a week that consisted of exam revision, of a random insect bite that resulted in a bad case of rashes and an adrenaline shot up my left buttcheek, of fever and flu, and of course some good news (congrats to my sister Kai for enjoying her interview) and an all-night birthday celebration (happy birthday again Oliver!). But mostly it was exam season, and I had just completed the first exam earlier that afternoon (Stochastic Processes 2), with three more to go in a few days' time.

It was the perfect time to clear my head and relax.

As I was looking out at sea, licking my yummy strawberry ice cream, and taking in long deep breaths to relish this rare experience, the thought that came to mind was, What is the covariance of two standard Brownian motions B(s) and B(t)? How could you forget it's the minimum of s and t?

Oh, stochastic processes, look what you've done to me. I hope I did fairly decent for that exam, though, Brownian motion question notwithstanding. And another thing, for those doing statistics and maybe even maths, remember this trick: XY = X(X + (Y-X)). That may save your ass when you're asked for the covariance of two random variables, or Brownian motions even.

Zzzzz. Anyway, the ice cream was good stuff, and my mind wandered around for a good length of time that evening. I got myself a nice Esprit shirt on sale too, before getting myself a leisurely dinner for one at the food court, and before finally taking the bus back to NUS.

It was good to have a break. Sort of.

At times I do believe I am strong

... so someone tell me
why, why, why
do I, I, I
feel stupid?

Apparently, Matchbox Twenty's Mad Season is quite the anthem during this time of the season --- or any season for that matter. I can even pick a random line that's resonant to me one way or another. Dunno if that's a good thing.

Whether it's

You figured me out that, I'm lost and I'm hopeless

or

I feel stupid, but I know it won't last for long
And I've been guessing and I could have been guessing wrong

or

I feel stupid, but it's something that comes and goes
And I've been changing, I think it's funny how no one knows

or

I'm bleeding and broken, though I've never spoken
I come undone

Some pretty self-smacking stuff. But I dunno, call me weird, but I think it's good to lambaste yourself once in a while -- helps keep you grounded, gives you a reality check, and well, gives you a heads-up of how much you suck sometimes.

Then again,

Now I'm cryin', isn't that what you want?
I'm tryin' to live my life on my own -- but I won't

and

So, why ya gotta stand there looking like the answer now?
It seems to me you'll come around


suggest that maybe it's a call?

I need you now, do you think you can cope?

a direct cry for help, even?

So are you gonna stand there, are you gonna help me out?
We need to be together now.

Anyway, my favorite lines are still those that I wish were slightly more relevant.

I feel stupid, but I think I been catchin' on
I feel ugly, but I know I still turn you on


Whatever la, this is some sick warped version of Joseph blogging, don't take him seriously. He's whiney and emo and a doormat. Not as much fun as the real normal Joseph, who's supposedly engaged in tackling the complexities of financial time series as I type. One exam down, three more to go, and it's the end of the my University days.

Yeah, at times I do believe I am strong. Definitely. Invincible even.

Not today.

Lost

Firstly, I think there's something wrong with working in the Statistics lab at 4:31AM, and worse, for only a part-time research assistant job, and even worse, right smack during reading week, the week before the final exams. My final final exams too.

But that's that, I'm here, and while the two programs (R and Microsoft Access) are still running, processing millions of high-frequency observations to obtain a set of financial volatility series, I think I might as well blog. I'm sleepy already, despite the coffee from my $6(!!) breakfast set meal at NUH (hello Cedric, Paul, and Paul's invisible friend), but I plan to stay up and wrap this up, or at least feed the codes into the computer, before I go home, and come back to report to Dr Chen later at 10am.

Hopefully, too, this blog post won't suffer the fate of the rest of my unfinished entries, which are currently still set aside as drafts.


* * *

I LOST MY PHONE YESTERDAY. And it sucks. Major bummer, man.

It's sad, more than anything. I didn't realise how much I actually depended on it until it was gone. Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you got 'til it's gone? sings Joni Mitchell, or Janet Jackson, or the Counting Crows, depending on your music generation.

Seriously, my phone was my watch, my alarm clock, my mp3 player, my radio, my camera, my link to friends! Sigh. I was studying at the forum today with a few Filipino friends and I'm like, hmmm how long have I studied now... and then bam, no phone to tell me the time! I even went to part-time job at SELF 45 minutes early! Because I didn't know how to tell 15 minutes from 40 minutes.. so I thought I might as well play safe and not be late. Zzzz.


Oh, I sleep with my phone beside me, too, because the alarm doesn't wake me up otherwise. So Cedric suggested I better look for a girl instead to make up for the phone. Lol. Good point.

I lost it yesterday, on my way to Mass. I know for sure it was during the trip to Church la, 'cos I had my earphones on and listening to my favorite weekend radio show 987 Stripped, which plays stripped down acoustic tracks of popular tunes. I boarded two buses, and on each occasion I removed the earphones momentarily to chitchat with Brice (on Bus A2), and with Mega (on Bus 151). It wasn't until the Communion that I realised my pocket felt a bit lighter, and that's that.

I was jogging with Visayon at West Coast Park at around 11PM afterwards, and he said for a guy who's just lost his phone, I seem very calm. I guess that's what happens when you have A Series of Unfortunate Events, and you realise that whining so much is tiring and isn't much fun. I still whine la, but it's more subdued, and with a tinge of acceptance and resignation .


I don't remember who I said this too (yes still too many whining episodes!), but I said that for a change, I'll try whining to inanimate objects. Whining to people may do me a bit of good, but I'm not sure it does them any. At least inanimate objects don't complain. Maybe I'll whine to a tree sometime. Then again a tree is not inanimate -- or is it? (Time for Dictionary.com!) Whatever la.


So yeah, that's that. No phone. I went to the possible places I dropped it, even checked the Church vicinity, I called the bus terminal, no nothing. The phone is still ringing though, no one picking up -- which may be worse actually than if someone did.


But oh well, life's like that.



* * *


And the phone isn't the only thing I lost too. Sigh. Stupid boy la you, Jose.


I lost my keys some three weeks ago. Two keys specifically, hostel room key and the key I use for my part-time job here at SELF. I managed to survive the past few weeks though, thanks to some silly arrangements I had to take.


Hostel room key lost, that's not a big problem because I have a roommate. Thank God Derek likes to spend much of his time in the room, playing computer games all day (and he's a genius, so it doesn't hurt his grades!). What's just weird is that, I can't leave the room if he's not in (because I can't lock the door without the key), and so sometimes I force myself to leave the room when he does, even if it requires me to rush shower brush teeth wash face in 10minutes or less cos he has class.


SELF key is OK too, since I have three other fellow student assistants who have the same key. It's a little troublesome, but that's that.


* * *


I lost my organiser too. My nice sexy blue organiser, which I had for more than a year now, and whose pages I freshly replenished with those refills. Sigh. All my nice dynamic (read: flexible) schedules and deadlines are there too.


* * *


Lost the pencil box too, with my pens and highlighters and correction tape, stapler etc. Again, a bummer, but I can't say it came as a surprise.


* * *


I'm tempted to launch into a discourse on the spectrum of meanings of the word 'lost' and 'lose'. Consider "lose yourself" (is this a prerequisite to "finding yourself"? and what exactly do they mean anyway?), the mush in both "lost without you" and "lost in you", the wit in the Anger Management (2003) quote, "Temper's the one thing you can't get rid of by losing it," and of course, the word "loser", and the irony in the title of the TV show "The Biggest Loser", etc.


But anyway, I'm tired, and lazy, and don't really feel like talking crap too much.


* * *


It really is kind of dumb to lose so many things. The Devil (Jin) himself implied that this losing stuff is quite irresponsible for someone who's 22. I hate to admit it, but it's true.


Oh well, life's like that: we lose things all the time -- if only to remind us which are worth keeping, and which aren't.

Pagmumuni-muni

Ang di ko lang masyado gusto kapag nagtatagalog ako magsulat, ay 'yung nagmumukhang sobrang seryoso at medyo makaluma ang dating nung mga sinisulat ko. OK lang sana kung yun nga naman talaga ang gusto ko sabihin, di ba, pero hindi naman talaga. Gayunpaman matagal na rin akong hindi nakapagsulat nang ganito, so mabuting ngayon na lamang habang medyo trip ko pang mag-blog. Gagawin ko na ring medyo Taglish to, kasi medyo bihira na rin naman ang purong-purong Tagalog sa impormal na pagsusulat.

* * *

Hatinggabi kanina ang deadline nung project ko sa Financial Math. Ayoko na sanang magmura at mainis, at gusto ko namang isipin na ayun, successful naman ako sa pagcontrol ng aking sarili, pero ayun, napipikon pa rin ako. Kasi naman, di ko matapus-tapos yung proyekto na yun. 1156PM ko na nung isinubmite, at mga alas-otso ng gabi nung tinanong ko si Visayon (kasama ko sa Choir noon at kung kanino ako nagpapaturo ng Finance ngayon) tungkol dun sa natitirang tanong, nang narealize ko na, *pasok mura dito*, di ko yata 'to matatapos. Ayun, inunderestimate ko na naman yung uri ng tanong na yun, and ikli kasi, kumpara dun sa mga mahahabang mga tanong na OK naman yung mga results ko. Haaay naku.

Sabi ko nga kay Visayon, na umuwi pagkatapos ng aral namin sa may SoC, at kay Cedric, na nakasama kong magsupper sa Fong Seng pagkatapos, na punching bag na yata ang kailangan ko, kasi mukhang di na ata gumagana yung mga stressballs ko. Pwede ring manuntok na lang ako ng pader, pero medyo tanga naman yata yun. Yung kutsyon nga ng inupuan kong silya sinuntok ko nung papauwi nako, masakit din pala. Haha. Manipis lang din kasi yun OK.

Martial arts? San ko ba nabasa yun na iyong isang guy, dahil sa kanyang mga isyu sa pamilya nung bata pa sya, nilabas na lang nya lahat ng hinanakit sa Taekwondo, and ayun, maraming taon na ngayon nakalipas, at kickass blackbelter na sya, and nagtataekwondo na sya ngayon kasi enjoy na sya, di na syempre pamilya yung dahilan. Huli ko ata sumubok magtaekwondo nung Grade 3 pa ako eh -- alala ko yun kasi inarrow ako nung Master (yun ba tawag dun?) na makipagsparring dun sa TKD kid nyang anak. Ayun, di ko alam kung pinagtripan lang ako nun or minalas lang sobra, eh kasi ilang buwan pa lang ako nun, nangangapa pa, and yung anak nya halatang, TKD Master's Son. Anyway, I was lousy la, kahit san na lang sumuntok and sumipa, ayun, kicked him in the groin sa huli. Di sinasadya k, kahit naman Grade 3 ako, alam ko kung san dapat sumipa at san hindi. So there he was, grimacing in pain, while I profusely apologised after the necessary bows etc. Tingin ko nakalimutan na nya yun ngayon, more than ten years na rin eh, pero ewan, ano nga ba punto ko, ah, natraumatize ako nun, kasi ewan, minsan nagegets na lang din ng tao minsan kung para sa kanya ba ang ilang mga gawain o hindi. Alam ko naman na medyo lousy ang bodily coordination ko, kaya nga hindi sporty eh, kahit gusto ko.

Ang lakas ko pala sumipa nung bata pa ako, nung naglalaro kami ng kickball ("soccer" daw tawag namin dun.. pero parang baseball na sipa ang pantira) ng mga pinsan ko at kapitbahay. Sabi ko, baka pwede akong mag-soccer, especially pag dating ko sa Singapore, kasi Soccer country dito. Haha di pala, tinry namin nung orientation sa Kent Ridge Hall dati, grabe, ang hirap pala. Most of the time, pag di ka magaling o sanay o di aktibong nakukuha yung bola, magmumukha ka lang tanga tatakbo-takbo pabalik-balik. Haha. So yep not sporty, thank you. Erm pasayawin mo na lang ako, pwede pa. Hehe. Clubbing lang, wag yung may specific steps k. Haha.

* * *

Nagdidigress na naman ako. Mas mabuti na rin siguro yun, kasi magrarant na lang din naman ako as usual, about my screwed up priorities, gaya for example kung pano tumutok ako dun sa final copy ng thesis ko, eh 5% lang naman yung final draft! Nagskip pa ako nung Stats for Finance class ko, which is the worst module to skip kasi andaming natututunan. Kung pano may dalawa akong part-time jobs, at isa pa lamang ang inapplyan na full-time job. Kung pano ako nag-aaksaya ng oras, kung kailan pa andaming trabahong kailangan gawin, gaya na lamang nung Financial Math project na yan. Birthday celebration pala ni Jayson nung isang gabi sa Lau Pa Sat, at ang sarap ng Jolly-V. Lasang-lasang Jollibee nga, lalo na yung spaghetti! Yung chicken malapit na! :) Hindi syempre yun kasali sa "waste of time" na tinutukoy ko, kasi friends time yun la, and naipangako ko na sa kanya na I will make time syempre. Anyway, eto, tadtad na naman ng deadlines this week: Programming tutorial sa Tuesday, programming for part-time work #2 sa Wednesday, ang dakilang Deep Blue Sea thing sa Thursday (hmmm pwede bang gamitin ang "panayam" as Tagalog ng "interview" dito?), at isang test sa Friday.

Grabe, sabi ko nga, minsan nagtataka ako ba't buhay pa ako ngayon. OK, medyo kailangan icontextualize yan. "Die" kasi is a common expression ng mga Singaporeans dito, at pag sobrang hirap o stressful ng mga gawain, "dying" ang ginagamit pantukoy nun. Again, punto ko (ang sabog ko pala magsulat, especially pag Tagalog), is eto: nagpapasalamat ako sa kung anuman yun that keeps me going. Alam mo yun, kung bakit nakakagising pa rin ako sa umaga, kahit puyat, kahit pagod, at patuloy pa rin. Kahit disastrous ang lahat ng mga midterm tests ngayong semester (nope hindi to exaggeration), patuloy lang. Padayun lang gihapun.

Sabi nga ni Dad, no pressure, wag ko raw isipin kung ano mang expectation nila or ng kung sino man sa akin, apparently yan ang nangyayari pag meron kang medyo brilliant "academic past", and a lousy academic present. Sabi ko naman kay Dad, OK lang, alam ko namang OK ako sa kanila no matter what, basta lang ba ibigay ko ung best ko, and di naman talaga ako napepressure nun. Ako lang talaga, siguro, nagpepressure sasarili ko. Nah, tumigil nako hoping and expecting for flying colors, kasi alam kong sobrang rigorous ng sistema dito sa Singapore, sobrang competitive especially sa Statistics and Mathematics departments, kaya sufficiently high grades OK na sa akin. Pero ewan, sa lagay ng panahon ngayon, medyo less than mediocre pa nga ang nangyayari. Gising na kasi, Jose. Wag na tatamad-tamad, tapos magrereklamo ka lang din pag papalapit na yung deadline.

And prioritize. Prioritize kung ano ang dapat gawin, anong uunahin among them, at i-allocate ang oras nang mabuti. Haaay nakow, sana kasi OK na yung Deep Blue, at para mabawasan naman ng isa ang mga iniintindi ko.

Hirap gumawa ng hindi emo na blog entry no. Hmm. What can I say, ganun talaga. Sige, ciao.

Let the truth sting

Let it sting. Feel the numbness and pain for a while; that's the only way to heal.

I hated having to lie to M thrice about the Deep Blue Sea thing. Sorry man, I hope you understand. But it was the timing, I couldn't tell you sooner. I dunno, it's this sticky situation where I was torn between telling the truth and cushioning the blow while factoring in the circumstances during the time. Anyway, I told the truth finally, and although I think he's still slightly bothered about it (i.e. the truth still stings), my conscience is clear now, and it's all gonna be fine for everyone.

* * *

One of the perks having to address myself in the third person is that I can berate myself (or him) without feeling too self-deprecating. Whatever, right. That sentence didn't even seem to make sense. Maybe the real reason is that it allows me a perspective that's detached and objective, never mind if there's a bit of denial there. In any case, sometimes things just work better, get thrust in one's head better if he heard it from someone else. (Self-denial is a funny thing.)

* * *

That said, allow me a moment to scold Joseph. I won't go into details, but he deserves it, really, for being a lazy, uninspired student who wastes time on Facebook and Blogger and Gmail when he should be studying for his Financial Math test tomorrow; for being a lousy friend to those who seem to value him; for being stubborn and insistent when really, it may be time to accept things he can't quite change; for being an evil nasty snob, who whines when other people give him the same treatment; for losing his work ethic, his drive, at this point in the academic game: with 40 days and nights left before the end of almost two-decades-long academic stint. Whatever happened to jobhunting, Jose? You can't count on only the Deep Blue Sea you know. Sure Deep Blue Sea might be it, but Plan B eh? Yes yes you're bogged down by your test and presentation tomorrow, and that other part-time job and projects and your HYP final draft yada yada, but just shut up, and reevaluate the priorities of the moment.

OK, now that you've wasted enough time blogging, go mug for your test tomorrow, and kick ass. You haven't been kicking much ass for a while now, it's about time.

* * *

I still think it's weird that I only blog when I'm busy and in need of an outlet to whine to. Maybe I should clarify that I only complete a blog entry when I'm busy. The drafts will just have to wait a while before they get posted up. Maybe in a week's time?

* * *

I was going through some John Mayer and Cynthia Alexander music lately, and I hope to find a moment, where I can just embed myself in their songs. I think it was Muriel who said in her blog (To Moooriel: Hey hello sa'yo! Stay happy k! I'm still stalking you.) that she finds Corrinne Bailey Rae's Put Your Records On the perfect song, when she's in the bus and looking out the window. Haha, I can totally imagine. I think it was Karen's feel-good song for a while too, though I think John Mayer's Wheel has been ringing in her head the past few weeks.

Now my John Mayer song of the moment is actually Clarity, and he said that it was really about finding this one moment, one moment of having not a care in the world, just enjoying that point in space and time, one moment of being free. But that moment is precious too, and he sings, By the time I recognize this moment/ this moment will be gone/ but I will bend the light / pretend that it somehow lingered on. Hope we all find that moment too, many of it if possible.

The other JM song is Split Screen Sadness, and although I'm not sure I correctly figured out what the title explicitly means in the song, especially the "split screen" part, let's just say it's a powerful heartfelt song well done -- not cheesy, not too emo I think. Maybe it's my bias for violins. Haha. Listen to it here.

The Cynthia Alexander songs I'll discuss another day; they deserve a separate entry.:)

* * *

OK dinner time then it's Financial Maths all the way. Wooohoo. Help me Lord, kay gikapuy na ko.:)

All HYPed up

Okay, I shouldn't be blogging, and yes yes this is the absolute worst time to blog, but with my heart pumping like mad, the blood flowing through my caffeine (no typo there), I think I should distract myself yet a 1002nd time and post something.

HYP presentation later, 1600hours. That's the Honours Year Project, or Honours Thesis, which took me two semesters to make, and which is given 24 modular credits, or 3 modules/subjects combined.

45minutes of talking to the audience, who'll mostly consist of my supervisor, my examiner, and a bunch of fellow statistics final year kids, and my unofficial supervisor Gelo of course. Haha I owe you a lot man, seriously. My sincerest gratitude for your help and patience. And another 45 minutes for an interview. A small intimate interview consisting of me and my supervisor and examiner.

My hands and fingers are shaking from too much coffee now, and my slides are still short of being fully completed. I still have to iron a shirt (shall I wear the gray one I wore for the first presentation of project progress, or shall I wear the striped pinkish purplish one?), and I can't even for the life of me iron these shirts perfectly! Even after one hour of trying and trying. (I miss you Ma! Kai does kickass ironing too, come to think of it!)

Anyway notes to self: Finish the slides by 1230AM. Head off to the statistics lab where the presentation is to take place, and start yakking by 1AM. Speak slowly, like Dad says. Don't hold anything, I know from experience I shake. A lot. Calm down, breathe, relax. Like I tell myself, this whole public speaking business is an unconsciously acquired skill -- and after speaking in class, in choir, in The Ridge, in random meetings, and even back in grade school and high school, dammit I should be OK now. Never mind if it wasn't an art I really mastered. But hmmmm actually I won in some oratorical contests in grade school (got eliminated early in some too lol)! Haha that should count for something?

Notes to self. Chill. Like Chang says. Yan Ru and Matt seemed to do okay in their presentations and practices, so just relax Jose. Admit that there were serious typos in your paper. Yes yes, they already know by now it was a rushed job, but that's that. They're statistics professors, so they know better than to judge for typos. They will evaluate your paper based on statistical analysis and discussion more than anything else.

Don't worry about Dr L. He's a nice chap, really, so don't think that he's coming back to haunt you after you whined about his other module two years ago -- whined to the Stats department bigwigs too at that. He's brilliant really, I'm in awe of him. And with his big booming voice in lectures, I can't help but be a bit intimidated. He won't fry you, even if he knows the material you're discussing only too well.

Dr C my supervisor is on your side. Seriously. Keep thinking that. Even if you were blindsided and felt you didn't deserve the B- in her module last semester, it's okay. She's on your side. She won't fry you. She'll douse the fire even should Dr L decide to do the frying.

Okay okay, think positive. Nobody's getting fried. If anything, it's the HYP presentation I'm gonna fry till it's well done. Well done. Kick ass. I've always been anal and nitpicky when it comes to presentations and articles etc -- that HYP paper I submitted three weeks ago was well, a major hiccup because I didn't have time -- so this is gonna go down smoothly. Smooth and easy baby.

It comes down to this. The biggest project I've done as a Statistics major. 40% of 12 modular credits will be completed tomorrow -- and that's actually more than one module. In an hour and a half. Help me Lord.

Let's do this baby. Bring it on. 16 hours and 5 minutes and counting.

Oh, and happy Easter everyone!

Wistful Thinking

Final year in the University is really something eh? I don't know if it's the same thing for everyone, but this final semester has really pushed me to the edge. Amidst the mountain of school tasks I had to clear, I found myself tempted to raise my hands in resignation and quit; and that's something -- the Joseph I know never quits.

(For the record, Joseph being Joseph, he didn't quit eventually. That midterm test he threatened to throw, he actually screwed up anyway. That sucked, of course, but at least he can still say he tried his best.)

* * *

Incidentally, that test was for Stochastic Processes 2. For the uninitiated, allow me to introduce you to it. I have this theory that it is summed in this sentence, as phrased by my lecturer: Given the present, the past is of no significance to the future. That involves conditional probabilities actually, which I won't discuss. The process has this interesting "memoryless" property.

I'm inclined to consider that, actually, life as we know it, may be a stochastic process. Given the present, the past is of no significance to the future. Memoryless, perhaps? Because, really, isn't the now what's really important, and okay, maybe we can look back to the past and indulge in sweet remembrance, but does the future depend on it?

This leads to another question: what is now? Is today now? Isn't yesterday still too close to the present, and may still be within the now range? I'm tempted to throw in the theory of optimal bandwidth selection in my Nonparametric Statistics module, but I won't. Hehe.

Bottom line is, I think it is possible that life may be a stochastic process. And that's when Joseph turns slightly emo. Because Joseph's now as he knows it, is going to take a different turn soon, and he isn't quite ready to let go of it just yet.

* * *

Maybe it's the cold weather (my perennial excuse), or the weight of the schoolwork before me, or maybe it's just the final year thing, that's making me feel slightly funny. Wistful is too emo a word, but I guess that's the closest I could find. It's the jobhunt thing, and how I never quite got it going because of school stuff. It's the places thing -- I get attached to places. Like the Central Forum, where I am now, where I've done several all-nighters with several different people. My secret study places, the libraries, my classrooms and lecture theatres, my meeting rooms, my bedrooms, four of them spanning four residences in five years, and even the places I've at least left my slipper-marks on.

And don't get me started on the people. I'm a sucker for friendships. I'm easy that way. Whether you hate me or you don't care, I'm gonna miss you when I'm gone. You like, I like, come I'll be a fantastic friend. And yeah, of course you'll miss me when I'm gone. Haha.

* * *

Memoryless. I never liked the word in our class. But it's true, for the most part. Everyone's bound to forget, eventually. We can only hold on for so long, till we get tired and lazy and busy to remember and run out of things in common and things to say, and ultimately, we forget.

And then the now of today becomes the past, which, if the theory of stochastic processes is to be believed, eventually becomes irrelevant.

So while the now is here, I'm going to try make the most of it. It's sad I can't quite do as much as I could, thanks to the tasks still at hand, trust that I'm doing my best. Sayang lang, I wish I'd this and that earlier -- but that's the irrelevant past now.

* * *

One last question: why do my posts always end up taking an emo turn? Haha maybe I shouldn't be too transparent, and at 2:27AM, maybe it's time to leave the Central Forum and have a good night's rest. Good morning blogosphere, and good night.

Back to blogging

Three months. How I managed not to blog for three full months I have no idea. But it happened, and that's that. For the record, I scribbled something of a blog entry aboard the plane on my December 31 flight back to Singapore, but I didn't quite manage to post it. Hmm I don't even know where that sheet of paper is. Hehe.

Anyway, it's been more than three months since that 'SOS' entry posted end of November. Three months with some eventful stuff going on too: (originally in this space was a single paragraph, but it got too long and so I'm bulleting the list instead haha. Pardon the self-indulgence)

* the exams and how they made feel good and bad but mostly exhausted;
* the honours thesis rush before my flight back to Davao;
* the unexpected and free and incredibly enjoyable overnight holiday in Cebu (courtesy of Cebu Pacific's plane and baggage delays) with a cool gang of Pinoy DHs -- and where I got drunk too, but that's another story (Mercia I actualy miss you!). For a while we passed by this building/sports hall/auditorium in Mandaue, which I distinctly remember visiting during my National Schools Press Conference trip in 2003... ahhh memories. And oh, there was the thrill of thinking we were almost kidnapped. lol.
* of course the precious Davao experience la -- friends family cousins dad ma kai lolas high school reunions, and Christmas -- everything I needed and missed after one full year in Singapore;
* the trip back to Singapore near midnight of New Year's;
* the resumption of classes and the thesis panic for first oral presentation;
* the Switchfoot concert and the madness surrounding it (who to come with me, how to get tickets, and of course the classic "I don't know if this means sh*t to you Joseph, but..." line I won't quite ever forget, and writing the review too, for the online version of the ridge, which was linked by a Switchfoot fansite and called "professional review" haha;
* that email that totally stunned me, but yey subsequent exchanges suggest everything's OK :) one word: detangled! :D
* the Chinese New Year/birthday celebrations (and lack of it, and the making up for it hehe), thanks to Iris and HZ (and the rest of the choir kids!) for the Wii party for CNY, for fellow February babies Robs and Kirsten, and the Clementi housemates for the triple birthday thingy, and the Pinoys and their special others who came (despite erm.. semi-food- shortage!) and of course Hayati and Joanne for the movie treat and the NYDC cake!
* the exciting times at the ridge -- though not very fun, cos it's the 'exciting' of the negative sort. hope the new editorial team settles this soon k.
the ongoing final semester schoolwork etc argh
* and the accomplishment of having submitted my thesis (or Honours Year Project as I've called it in previous entries) finally last Monday, after countless sleepless nights and days that were both mind-numbing and ego-crushing; and the Stochastic Processes midterm test I screwed up today because I was too busy doing the thesis during the study break.

As if I haven't rambled on yet, there are a lot more I wish to say, really. (Imagine being shut up for three months!) But those stuff aren't really my stuff la. Haha. I just want to mention how much I wish I could have sung for the NUS Choir's Varsity Voices concert (first time in four years I didn't sing! But I was helping out at Front-of-House this time), how I wish I could have been more active in the Filipino performance for the International Students Night and related activities (really, really, just busy, unfortunately), and I don't know, how I wish I did more writing than editing for the ridge (I miss writing already), how I wish I could have spent more time with people, especially that I'm leaving NUS very soon, how I wish I did this and did that etc. when I had the time, when I wasn't so bogged down by final year stuff, when I didn't create such a bad reputation for myself.

Anyway, this isn't supposed to be a ranty or whiney entry, nor did I intend it to be wistful and melancholic. But that's that. Maybe that's just Joseph for you, that's how Joseph has become of late. I can only sigh, and hope that those who matter and to whom I matter can connect the dots and figure me out. Emo la you Jose.

John Mayer's 'Daughters' is playing right now. And it's 4:30AM. Not the best time to play the song, and I think I'll switch to Depapepe instead.

And what do you know, it's time to sleep. Over an hour typing this post! I really write slowly, but hey, here's my first blog entry in three months!

SOS

Let me first say that I don't enjoy writing depressing entries. Yes, yes, Mr Stress Personified notwithstanding.

But really, dear God, I'm about to break down. I feel defeated academically, and it's draining me, mentally, emotionally, and heck, even physically. Nobody seems to get me, too. I'm just sort of here, in a totally different wavelength from everyone else, and it gets lonely. Sure there are people who genuinely care for me and want to be in sync with me (more people than I think I deserve too, thank you), but I dunno, maybe I'm too off, too unpredictable and wayward for anyone. Maybe I like to feel lonely and miserable, and I'm secretly enjoying being in the dumps. Yes, yes, a real possibility. Oh, and I'm Mr Butt of All Jokes of late, and it's the sort of thing that one likes to ride along with, but subconsciously it eats at you slowly.

There's this thing I do that indicates when my stress level peaks. I did it last night, and I did it earlier this afternoon. It's not a fun thing, it's not even intentional -- it just happens. If it's any consolation, I feel better afterwards.

I've been thinking of something deliberate I should do when my stress level peaks, like right now. I never got around doing it, and I think ultimately it would do me a world of good.

Dear God help me get through the next four days,and help me hurdle two more exams. And then help me with my HYP.


And so goes another post that's not for Multiply.

Two weeks notice

Two weeks since my last post, two weeks (less actually) before my final exams, and I'm going back home to the Philippines two weeks after that. As much as I'd love to count in two-week lengths so that it would be only two time steps more before I land in Davao City and feel the Davao lovin' that I sorely miss (last I've been there was last January still!), I can't quite be too excited as that would mean the big Exams are just one step away. They're just there, really, nearby, hiding behind a tree or something, patiently waiting for time to pass before they pounce on me. I should be doing the pouncing, really, so that's why I'm (supposed to be) prepping my guns for that inevitable encounter.

A lot of things happen in the past two weeks, and no, don't worry, I won't be rattling off what happened in that time -- partly because I don't remember; it's all a blur now -- because the things that concern me more, really, are the goings-on in my head.

Yes, sir, I think Joseph has gone slightly mental. And of course, his ever-reliable I'm-high-on-coffee excuse again comes in handy.

* * *

Dork stuff first. I was looking at my previous entry and realized that from the side, it resembles something that, as a Statistics major, I should instantly recognize:

(Unrelated note: Yes, some blog entries are cross-posted on both Multiply and Blogspot)

It's a histogram!

I'm a statistics major after all. Hah.

-dork session ends now-

* * *

Cecilia over lunch today mentioned that I don't like my major, in response to my comment that I don't particularly score excellently in Statistics. I refused to accept that statement, qualifying that, I actually don't love it, or OK, I don't like it too much, but I like it fairly well. I'm not sure I should even be thinking these thoughts, considering I'm one of the few who are doing Honours in Statistics, a small bunch now because it requires a qualifying grade, and most other Stats majors prefer the three-year basic degree, but that's that. Another friend from Choir, Xuefang, has mentioned to me, in two separate occasions, that I should be an English major.

Hmm. I don't know. Maybe I don't like my major. Maybe it's too difficult, especially my current load of Level 4000 modules. Maybe the fact that I score way better in my language and literature modules with half the effort I put into my stats and math modules ought to tell me something, as well as the fact that I enjoy arts modules are more enjoyable than science modules. Hmmm. In July 2008, I'll be graduating with an B.Sc. (Honours) degree in Statistics, and minors in English and Financial Mathematics. Sounds good to me. Not 'honours' with flying colors (God knows I tried my bestest), but that's honours just the same. There's the English minor there, too, so that can't be bad. Oh Jose, spreading self too thin again. Jack of all trades, master of none eh? Nah, let's just say I'm multi-talented. Lol.

* * *

With Cecilia for lunch at Science today was her angmoh (Singlish for Caucasian) classmate, Charles. Cool, the first Luxembourger I've met my entire life.:) And yes, he confirmed it's Luxembourger, aware of the chuckles the name might elicit. Pleasant guy, and at one point, the three of us talked about Christmas trees. In Luxembourg, the concept of plastic Christmas trees is alien to them; they buy real trees instead. I asked what they do with them afterwards, and Charles said they throw them away. Haha, at least that's an advantage of our plastic Christmas tree. It was funny because I was sharing with them how for a few years, we would actually have a nice real live tree in our home in Davao -- 'live' in the sense that it was cut from a live tree, and not made of plastic and boxed for sale in department stores -- which my Dad would cut from some place in the countryside. These 'live' Christmas trees were rather uncommon in the Philippines, and Cecilia then said that actually, in the Philippines, the real Christmas tree is the plastic one. This must've seemed strange to Charles and his live Christmas trees, and well, odd to both me and Cecilia too -- we've been too caught up with the plastic tree tradition, that the essentially fake is now considered the real thing.

In our house, now we have the plastic tree again, the relatively-modern fiber-optic kind whose tips light up and change colours when the tree is plugged. It's pretty, and it eliminates the need for a separate set of Christmas lights. Good stuff, can't wait to see it when I get back home.

* * *

Over the past few weeks, things have been rather busy, and effectively I've screwed up my biological clock. I've been going to the statistics lab to program, study or do programming (or typesetting) work with Gelo (and sometimes Brian too), until the wee hours of the morning, sometimes until 2am, sometimes until 6am. I grab my coffee and pau in the morning to perk me up for my morning classes, sleep in the afternoon if I don't have my part-time work, have dinner, sleep again if I missed my afternoon nap, and work late-nights/early-mornings again at the lab with nocturnal mugger Gelo.

The results have been both good and bad, I think. For one, I get to be productive to a degree, and it's been helpful discussing with Gelo on my financial and mathematical stuff for my Honours Year Project (he's doing a module on applications of physics in finance), and he's been helping me with my LaTeX, the typesetting program I need to write my HYP. I've been doing some programming for my Nonparametric Statistics project too, and after an earlier first presentation that absolutely bombed (yes it's the one where at the end of the Powerpoint, Joseph asks 'Are there any questions?' and virtually all the hands shoot up to ask, one comment being 'I don't see the direction or objective of your project'), I was bent on acing this final presentation of a project that comprises 40%(!!) of our grade.

And we did.Or so I felt. So did my groupmates. One of my groupmates said she thought ours was the best of all the presentations, and, objectively speaking, I'd have to agree. We took pains to explain the flaws of our graphs, and derived a subset of the original dataset, and ultimately fitted reasonable parametric and nonparametric models to model the relationship between volume of strikes in a set of countries and inflation rate. And well, I used my anal-ness in English and editing to meticulously tidy up the slides and the report. Compared with the rest, I say that ours was a step ahead because we were able to conclusive find these models to explain the relationship of the variables, while the other groups had minimally- or non-conclusive final results. It's not that I'm being arrogant or anything, it's just that it feels good to redeem ourselves after the disaster that was Presentation #1, and considering our hard work, the hours in the lab, and the eyebags and zits I earned (which continue to hang around until now) as a result. The downside of this erratic lifestyle, however, is that I'm sleepy and lethargic. And when I get my dose of coffee, let's just say I'm not far off from erratic either. And I don't know, there's still no rhythm la, I've been waiting for the mugging feeling to come so I can study intensely in a consistent and systematic manner, that will have me covering all the material in time. In two weeks.

* * *

In slightly unrelated news, I'm still Mr Stress Personified. It's not a title I like at all, but it's just the way it is, that's how people see me. I'm not sure if I should be pleased that people are amused by it, because hey, at least they're not avoiding me and I'm thankfully not spreading the stress around, but still... not very fun. Why do I care again what people think about me? I wonder myself.

In a recent episode of DH (Season 4), Susan was taking rather extreme measures to make a good impression on the new neighbors (who happened to be a gay couple) who just moved in on Wisteria Lane. Her husband Mike, finding her attempts ridiculous, asked her, 'Why do you need to make everyone like you?' or something to that effect. I was watching it with Gelo, and we both rolled our eyes. It did seem a bit desperate.

But actually, come to think of it, I may be suffering from the same thing. A milder case, definitely. Well, OK, maybe it's not the same thing. (ahh yes Joseph is a story of contradictions, if you haven't realized that by now) It's just that I want to be friends (or at least in good terms) with everyone, and I don't ever want to cut people off (I did so before and it wasn't much fun), nor be on the receiving end of it. And to be cut off, without knowing a sufficient reason why or how one deserved it, is just plain sad. 'So sad!' as Singaporeans like to say.

Then again, cutting-off is sometimes just the way to go. 'So sad!' yes, but we just have to face facts, and accept the things we can't change. Still I say we let the reconciliatory offer remain on the table, keep it there despite its necessitating a good gulp of one's pride, and let the other party pick it up if he or she so wishes.

But don't walk the offer like a salesman if the response is muted, and ultimately keep some dignity for yourself.

* * *

OK time to get mugging baby. ST3235 Statistical Quality Control is just waiting for me to dive right in. Till the next (overdue) (whiney) (angsty)(does-anything-fun-ever-happen) blog entry!

Randomness

Milo van
violins
Jason Mraz's "You and I Both"
Nerina Pallot's "Sophia"
am i a lucky roommate or what?
sponge bath!
pull a fast one
the mythical lift (elevator) i've been pondering over lately
(is "over" the right word to follow "ponder"?)
why do people sink into depression?
(not why do people sink into depression?)
happy birthday
music! and choir
Penshoppe pink shirt that reads "out of my mind/back in 5 minutes"
feel-good jeans
quasi-monte carlo methods
did you miss me while you were looking for yourself?
do we have to be lost to find ourselves?
the Champagne Supernova "how many special people change" repeat playback in my head
17-year gap with boyfriend!
thanks for your notes
white tie, sexy
blue tie, with pj's!
red tie, where are you?
it was fun to be with you guys again
must we need an occasion to gather?
OK Go's "Oh Lately It's So Quiet"
if you're not here haunting me/whose house are you haunting tonight?
how does it feel to take morphine?
thanks for dinner
hey i missed you
all of you too, needless to say
"i got it from my momma" lol
hospitals still depress me
congrats robs!
the circle of trust
why didn't i discover this earlier?
shared activities
late nights, thank you
working harder than smarter, tsk tsk
missed out on ice cream, i'm sorry
missed out on good company -- next time ok? :)
will you scold me when i see you tomorrow?
hope portugal was good for you
dark cloud hovering
i sit down long enough, and it wraps me up
not the clinical kind, don't worry
"don't sit down" :)
microsoft excel
R
microsoft word
mcdonald's breakfast!
aren't you sweet
missing people
and the missing people
can't read you
stop reading me
connect the dots
go ahead, figure me out

Whatever happened to..?

Me.

I don't seem to like me very much right now. Just now I heard myself spurt out an expletive I didn't mean at all. I was shocked myself. Now I'm no stranger to expletives, and I believe that, when spoken at that precise time when the situation calls for it, an expletive works perfectly. It's still not a very nice thing, but that's the Joseph of late for you.

Lately I've been oscillating between sleepless, exhausted, lonely, ranty, cranky, sad, disappointed, confused, and all other points in between. Sure there have been good times, when I was hyper and relieved and genuinely happy and was actually having a fun time, but all these bright spots just pale when I sit back and ponder and allow this gloomy darkness to envelope me.

Why do I get too affected? Why can't I just shake off this Superman Syndrome? Ironically, I've been suffering from a bad case of inferiority complex too. Am I contradicting myself? Or am I just a plain wreck? Maybe I'm bipolar? What's wrong with me? Maybe it's just the weather?

I can't seem to be in-synch with the world. Or maybe it's the world I choose to have that's the problem; maybe I shouldn't expect much. As if I have been expecting a lot after all. As if I haven't been pessimistic enough lately.

God knows it takes precious little to make me happy. Why am I denied my little joys? Denied by my own doing, perhaps. Denied by the world I chose to create. Denied by the cosmos, too, most probably.

Am I complaining about the littlest things? Overly whiney again? Maybe, maybe not. I realise that as transparent as I may seem to everyone, and despite my reputation for being weird and emo and 'stress personified', no one except myself can tell the extent of the wreckage that is me.

Well, perhaps Sgt Pepper would know.




(And this blog entry, like the previous one, is not one for Multiplying.)

Three's

Joseph can't quite blog as long as he would love to, because there's just no time. There's a draft saved, but he couldn't finish it, so that's that. It's a shame, really, because catharsis would be a good thing right about now.

* * *

Over dinner with Cedric at Burger King last night, I again mentioned the Superman Syndrome (or well, actually, Spiderman may be a bit more accurate since Peter Parker is more of a emo wreck) which I claim to be suffering from. It's this drive to "save" people who remotely need some kind of help, the drive to do whatever I can, even if it's none of my business, even if I'm close to prying, even if the persons don't even want or need any saving or help. Cedric said he may have the Kyo Syndrome, which essentially, is the total opposite; Kyo is an anime character who was a cold and brutal samurai, known to have mercilessly slain many other warriors.

* * *

Tonight I had dinner at Subway with Hayati, who claims she "came all the way from the the other side of the country to see me" (indeed Pasir Ris/Tampines are indeed on the other end). She was one of my close friends during the past two years while she was in NUS. She agreed that my Superman Syndrome is also known as "Kaypoh" Syndrome (check Singlish dictionary definition here), she mentioned that she accomplished quite a feat dealing with her recent issues, and she's just simply fun to talk to -- maybe because we're both a mess.

* * *

Three midterm tests down, and I'm officially beat. I flunked one, and I feel horrible about it. Honours Year Project presentation went OK, yesterday, never mind if I had a grand total of 5 hours of sleep in two days.

* * *

Today I had nine hours of of sleep. After the HYP presentation yesterday, I thought I'd give myself a break. I was surprisingly up and about and giddy when I woke up at noon, and then after a while, it felt odd, even somewhat wrong; the last time I slept so long was about three months ago.

* * *

I was bloghopping yesterday and two things struck me: Paul's euthanasia post with the curious concept of a person's "duty to die", and Wayne's post on "new people". For a person who puts a high premium on friendship, I've been thinking about the people I've met, the friends I made, the friends I thought I made, the kind who seem friendly one minute and strangely turn cold in the next, the friends I've made before but who I rarely meet now, the hi-bye people I'd like to befriend even more but circumstances wouldn't allow, the friendships that just happen, those that you just know are genuine and intact, regardless of the time spent together in the friendship-building stage, of the frequency of contact, of the presence or absence of unfriendly times that supposedly strengthen the bond (I know of a person who thinks real friends have to have a a fight somehow for them to be considered close friends). Cedric thinks I'm overly friendly, to the point of being too transparent, and I agree, actually, that it may be a fault; maybe I'll try being more opaque.

* * *

James Blunt's new single is called 1973. I don't particularly find the song fantastic, and I like Rachael Yamagata's 1963 more -- it's just summery and lovely. But if I were to choose a song named after years (and that end in three too), I guess I'd go for John Mayer's 83.

I have these dreams I'm walking home
home where it used to be
everything is as it was
frozen in front of me

here I stand six feet small
romanticizing years ago
but it's a bittersweet feeling
hearing "Wrapped Around Your Finger" on the radio

and these days
I wish I was six again
oh make me a red cape
I wanna be Superman
oh if only my life was more like 1983
all these things would be more like they were at the start of me
had it made in 83

thinking 'bout my brother Ben
I miss him everyday
he looks just like his brother John
but on an eighteen month delay

here I stand six feet small
and smiling cause I'm scared as hell
kinda like your life is like a sequel to a movie
where the actors' names have changed
. . .
and most my memories have escaped me
or confused themselves with dreams
if heaven's all they want it to be
send your prayers to me care of 1983
. . .

* * *

I'd post more, but I feel I've taken too long to write this entry yet again. I have two sentences left to say what I want (unless I use fancy punctuation marks and sentence coordinators like the 'and' that's coming up after the comma), and maybe I'll use the first to say that all-nighters and exhaustion and intensive brain activity and overthinking about friendships and relationships don't exactly make a happy mix. I guess I'll just have to find my own lingaw (loosely translated it means "fun"), as my Bisaya friend in Davao used to say, but until I get into the groove of finding good stuff from the little things I used to enjoy, I think I need to just rest, and breathe, and relax, and, well, actually, I could use a hug and a pat too.

It goes without saying

It's been ridiculously long since my last post, but I feel that now may possibly be a good time. My eyes are sore, I have a throbbing headache, the Self-Access English Learning Facility where I'm currently am doing my part-time job is quiet and cold (both because there are too few students around because it's the midterm break over here at NUS), and there have been too many thoughts swimming in my head I want to coop them all up in one long blog entry.

How I've managed to not blog when so many things have happened can only be explained by two words: Honours Year. Add to that Joseph's incurable Superman Syndrome, driving him to want to do this and that and this again, never mind the physical/emotional/mental toll (hello part-time job, hello Executive Editor for the school magazine, goodbye NUS Choir though), and good old fussiness (about everything else except his hostel room), and you have, ladies and gentlemen, an explosive recipe that can go either way -- it can be mindblowingly fantastic (or Drastic Fantastic if you, like me, like Scottish singer KT Tunstall), or it can be, well, massively disastrous.

But then again, I ask myself, what's new? Joseph has earned a reputation for being stressed and high-strung regarding schoolwork and everything else for the longest time here in the University, so yeah, I guess it's just like that. All in a day's work.

* * *

Needless to say, the past few weeks have been incredibly hectic for me. The highlight of it all, perhaps, was the week that just passed. On Thursday I had a tutorial submission due for my Computer-Intensive Statistical Methods class, and it required long computer lab sessions involving random number generation and simulation. On Friday I had two projects due: one was a discussion on statistical tests of a research study for my Clinical Trials module, and another was the first presentation for my Nonparametric Statistics project.

The Computer-Intensive Stats tutorial I couldn't understand at all, let alone how to actually derive the formulas and come up with computer codes. A classmate lent me her senior's notes, and even then, trying to work backwards, I still couldn't understand. Depressing. I finished it up in the end, and then it was on to the Clinical Trials project. Never before have I crammed for a project due in two days' time. And it wasn't because I was slacking too, trust me. I did half of it, and postponed the rest until Friday afternoon, as the deadline was Friday midnight. I focused instead on my Nonparametric Statistics project, a group project, but which only I was tasked to present as I did most of the programming codes, and because I spoke more fluent English than my Chinese groupmates. Tidied up the presentation, even used the LateX program so the equations would look more professional, and slept for my usual four to five hours a night.

So I presented at 10:30AM, and after I presented, I asked the small class of 15, "Any questions?" To my absolute horror, almost everyone's hands were up. My heart sank. Of course I tried to regain composure and joke around a bit while asking for reinforcements in the form of my three Chinese groupmates, but in the end, it was, just like that: we were too caught up doing the numerical and graphical analysis of the data that we forgot the underlying assumptions in the first place, the actual real-life interpretation of the data, and the aim and direction of the entire project. "Don't be upset, it was fine. You just need to think about your data more," our lecturer and my Honours Year Project supervisor Dr Chen was saying. Well I was upset, for sure, but thanks Dr Chen, for always being nice and encouraging.

Later in the evening, after getting over the presentation that bombed, I continued doing my Clinical Trials project. In the midst of the task, I received some email from the layout artists from The Ridge, the student magazine of which I'm the Executive Editor. He asked why the article he was supposed to layout was not uploaded in the Yahoo!groups yet. Mea culpa. I promised it would be up in an hour's time. I edited the article quick, and resumed doing my project. My phone rang after a few minutes. It was another layout artist, asking about another article that wasn't up yet, apparently taking the cue from the earlier one who emailed. I asked, "Err.. are you doing your layout now?" "Yes" was the reply. OK, so Joseph did some quick quick editing and file up in 20 minutes. In the end I dropped the hardcopy of my project in my lecturer's pigeonhole (I walked from my room to the Science building) at 2AM , two hours after the deadline. I was thinking, he would not notice anyway. Haha I remember Karen doing the same for our film history module last semester at 1AM, while I dutifully submitted right on the dot after much mad typing and even madder running at 4:55PM. Haha.

Anyway, so that's that. I don't want to quote Matchbox Twenty's Mad Season again in this blog, or my nick on Windows Live Messenger. Haha suffice it to say, that it absolutely is Mad Season right now in NUS. It goes without saying.

* * *

Wow, it's 3:46PM already, and I began typing at 2:42PM. I will always be fascinated at my incredibly slow writing speed. I'd like to think it's more than just typing. It's thinking and reflecting, and deconstructing and reconstructing all at the same time. It may not be coherent, but that's fine. Somehow, I'm feeling slightly less stressed now, now that the burdens of the past weeks have been, well, cyber-inked and chronicled. I still have a lot to say, but it gets personal, and I'll leave that for the next entry, which will probably come way sooner than you think.

Wipe that smirk off your face

For the record, Joseph is exhausted. He has been doing his part-time job (8 bucks an hour baby) at SELF for the past few afternoons, and been swamped by lectures and tutorials and editing The Ridge's September issue. Last night, he stayed at the statistics lab until past midnight to do his tutorial due at 8AM this morning (went to Computer Centre to print too at 720AM). Turns out all his answers were wrong! Man, they weren't kidding when they named the module Computer Intensive Statistical Methods.

Back-to-back lectures and tutorials today, and you know the feeling of pretending to follow the prof when you actually don't? The feeling of trying to look smart and well, hoping like hell that he wouldn't call you to answer? Dr Gan of my ST3235 Statistical Quality Control class singled me out today, asking me why my face wasn't among the class roster photos he printed out. See, he randomly calls people to participate and answer his questions. Haha but he's a nice guy, and he didn't call me to answer any of the tutorial questions. Yay. I'll buy the textbook tomorrow and be a good student and read the readings during the weekend.

Lunched with a pissed Paul at Bizad. Haha. Whoops not my fault your phone died on you man.:) Strange how he's a Pinoy here in NUS and I met him only this year. He reminds me a lot of one of my favorite cousins. The jokingly annoying kind. Got soaked in the rain on the way to SELF for my afternoon duty. Shared a good laugh with Ms Chan, the nice spunky lady who's my boss, and who was my lecturer for GEM1008 Evaluating Academic Arguments a few sems back. (I got A- for that module too.=P) Talked with YS online during a lull at SELF. Haha I'm incredibly happy for him. And for an online friendship, this one turned out pretty well.

I rushed off to conduct interviews for new writers for The Ridge at YIH after an early dinner. Gooooood stuff, never mind if by this time I was positively looking haggard and washed out from exhaustion (but of course still presentable). I actually like interviewing people. Too bad I won't be doing this much anytime soon. The interviewees visibly find me rather quirky (or OK weird or whatever because of my fast-talking and random rambling but it's fun la -- and I think it's called charm really LOL), but it's a good thing I have the 'up since 7AM' and 'high on coffee' and 'try doing statistics tutorials' excuses.:)

OK time's up time to go home. I've been here at the Computer Centre (again) in the hopes of doing my two statistics tutorials, but to no avail. But I'm still OK, I think I've gotten used to the long days and nights, and I still can't wipe the smirk off my face. Haha.

*OK after re-reading this post I realize maybe I should minimize my coffee intake. I sound hyper even for me. Hehe.