Wipe that smirk off your face

For the record, Joseph is exhausted. He has been doing his part-time job (8 bucks an hour baby) at SELF for the past few afternoons, and been swamped by lectures and tutorials and editing The Ridge's September issue. Last night, he stayed at the statistics lab until past midnight to do his tutorial due at 8AM this morning (went to Computer Centre to print too at 720AM). Turns out all his answers were wrong! Man, they weren't kidding when they named the module Computer Intensive Statistical Methods.

Back-to-back lectures and tutorials today, and you know the feeling of pretending to follow the prof when you actually don't? The feeling of trying to look smart and well, hoping like hell that he wouldn't call you to answer? Dr Gan of my ST3235 Statistical Quality Control class singled me out today, asking me why my face wasn't among the class roster photos he printed out. See, he randomly calls people to participate and answer his questions. Haha but he's a nice guy, and he didn't call me to answer any of the tutorial questions. Yay. I'll buy the textbook tomorrow and be a good student and read the readings during the weekend.

Lunched with a pissed Paul at Bizad. Haha. Whoops not my fault your phone died on you man.:) Strange how he's a Pinoy here in NUS and I met him only this year. He reminds me a lot of one of my favorite cousins. The jokingly annoying kind. Got soaked in the rain on the way to SELF for my afternoon duty. Shared a good laugh with Ms Chan, the nice spunky lady who's my boss, and who was my lecturer for GEM1008 Evaluating Academic Arguments a few sems back. (I got A- for that module too.=P) Talked with YS online during a lull at SELF. Haha I'm incredibly happy for him. And for an online friendship, this one turned out pretty well.

I rushed off to conduct interviews for new writers for The Ridge at YIH after an early dinner. Gooooood stuff, never mind if by this time I was positively looking haggard and washed out from exhaustion (but of course still presentable). I actually like interviewing people. Too bad I won't be doing this much anytime soon. The interviewees visibly find me rather quirky (or OK weird or whatever because of my fast-talking and random rambling but it's fun la -- and I think it's called charm really LOL), but it's a good thing I have the 'up since 7AM' and 'high on coffee' and 'try doing statistics tutorials' excuses.:)

OK time's up time to go home. I've been here at the Computer Centre (again) in the hopes of doing my two statistics tutorials, but to no avail. But I'm still OK, I think I've gotten used to the long days and nights, and I still can't wipe the smirk off my face. Haha.

*OK after re-reading this post I realize maybe I should minimize my coffee intake. I sound hyper even for me. Hehe.

The Multiply No-Cross-Post Test

This is the Multiply No-Cross-Post Test.

Blah blah blah yada yada yada oooh wheee shoobidoowap

If this works, then I can get some reasonable degree of privacy after all.

Why did I cross-post some entries on Multiply again? Haha maybe I just got a little too giddy.

This is the end of the Multiply No-Cross-Post Test.

Nothing follows

Happenstance

It's a story of randomness, really, our lives. No matter how we think we've calculated our every move and figured out the trajectory of our course, we almost always end up with those little surprises, pleasant or nasty -- but for now let's focus on the good stuff. Partly because it's 4:06AM and I'm feeling reflective, and partly because Joseph is still high on Rachael Yamagata's lovely, lovely music.

Rachael's 2004 album is entitled Happenstance, and aside from it being awesome and dare-I-say-it sublime (haha Huai Zhi recently pointed out to me how some people use the word 'sublime' for no good reason, say to describe the WOMAD festival events, but of course I know better), it's just inspiring, really.

And I just love the title 'Happenstance'. It's an artsy way of describing a chance happening or event, or coincidence; it's the amalgamation of "happening" and "circumstance". And for a Statistics major and English Studies minor like me, the word is a product of two of my favorite things: creative wordplay and the brilliant idea of chance (or likelihood, or probability if you will).

* * *

Maybe I'm posting this because I'm pretty much caught off-guard right now. And that's a good thing, I suppose, because I'm still able to find some surprises in the increasingly routinary motions of University life, or, okay, life in general. Maybe it's being twenty-one, and wanting to jumpstart life like I've never done before, maybe it's the Final Year thing that gets me thinking about the imminent jobhunt or post-grad or the youth I'm not ready to let go of just yet. Or, maybe it's just the Honours Year Project, my undone labs and tutorials for the week, and the editing and writing for The Ridge. But I digress. What I'm really saying is that for all the bouts of blah-ness and sian-ness ('sian', pronounced /sien/ is Singlish for 'jaded'), I'm still up and about, on the lookout for my next pleasant surprise.

I pretty much thought I'd have the past few months and the coming ones figured out, from my internship, to NUS Choir, to Honours Year modules, to The Ridge, to my part-time job at SELF, and even to lunchmates and dinnermates and mugging-mates and friends, both offline and online, both in Singapore and in the Philippines. But I sit here and recount my experiences for the past few weeks, and realize that it's been an interesting leg in my as-yet destinationless journey. And that makes me smile.

* * *

I've had to loosen my grip and sever some ties, adjust my footing to secure my grounding, take back my unacknowledged outstretched hand, and yet I've also learned to look around, to hang on tightly to those I've taken for granted, to be more watchful of the things that have gone unnoticed or undiscovered for the longest time, to be patient and accepting of random junk hurled my way, and to be welcoming to new faces and friends and more surprises(!) as I take the plunge into as-yet untested waters.

* * *

It's 5:10AM, and this blog entry took an hour and four minutes to write! Quite unbelievable I realize, but since I rarely blog nowadays, I think it's time well spent (although yeah, I must learn to write faster).

I'm still smiling.

That Bloggin' Feelin'

Haha apparently I've lost it, that bloggin' feelin'.

I want to blog, really, and there have been more than enough events and sufficient flurry of emotional/physical/mental/even mathematical and statistical activity lately, that the Joseph of 2004 or 2005, would have blogged about instantly. But I dunno. Apparently, (cue music) I've lost that [bloggin'] feelin'. Kulit ko.

If I did blog, I would blog about choir, about moving out of Tower Block and into a double room at Old Kent Ridge, about my quirky (and thoroughly amusing) new Chinese roomie, using my dear sister's Mac iBook becasue my 5-year-old Compaq laptop is severely sick, my online chats with old friends, my gradual loss of contact with some other friends, the Pinoy meetup cum karaoke session where yours truly hogged the Magic Sing microphone, the Singapore Citizenship Ceremony the NUS Choir sang for at the Parliament House (we were on Channel News Asia for a few seconds!) and the subsequent big yummy buffet, followed by the fantastic fireworks we watched by the Esplanade Bridge (and the throw-up episode I had thanks to the buffet -- it was just too much for me to handle), my brief yet refreshing meet-up with my long-lost friend Richelle of my AJSS days back in '02 (she came over to Singapore for a few days thanks to the Storm & Flood Holidays in Manila), my Honours Year Project (on implied and realized volatility of high-frequency data pertaining to stock options), my maddening brain-twisting Level 4000 modules, and The Ridge and the long 302 research, and unfinished articles, and my part-time job at SELF (Self-Access English Learning Facility) and how I screwed up on the very first day yesterday.

Haha. I can't believe I'm just rattling off events now, instead of ranting or raving about them. Tell you what, why don't you, dear blog reader, talk to me in person or via MSN, or Gmail, or Yahoo Messenger, or Chikka, or M1 instead? I'll be most glad to talk. And listen. And ask about your day.

Am I rambling? Yes I am. And I haven't even talked about news from home, how our house was broken into and our PC and some items were stolen. Thank God everything is fine now.:D But I digress.

I think it's time to sleep now. And the music of Rachael Yamagata, Paolo Nutini, and Sunset Daze are still ringing in my head.:) Goodnight.

Make my day

It takes so little, actually. Joseph isn't hard to please.

Thank you to those who do it effortlessly. Who need not even do it consciously or with intent.
You make my day. And I am most thankful even if I don't spell it out.

* * *

Sigh. I wish Blogger could read my mind so I don't have to type out what's in my head. I miss blogging. I miss telling my friends and family what mind monsters I've recently killed and those that continue to haunt me. Let's talk soon, yeah?

Joseph is swimming in thoughts now -- of roommates, of friends, of online and offline friends, of Honours Year Project, of Carrots Consulting, of leaving and starting afresh. And the Philippines, of course. How I wish I were back home for a well-deserved breather.


Music of the Moment: Mat Kearney - Where We Gonna Go From Here
Currently feeling pensive.

Great.

One of the increasingly rare times I decide to make a blog entry, and after completing the bloody long post, it won't publish and I receive an error message from Blogger. And that's it. Poof. Gone.

Just great. And I thought the function that autosaves drafts works. Quite an emo post that was, and I'm not sure I have the energy to write it again. Oh well.

Apparently blogs are cathartic only when the message you want to get out of your system is actually out and published.

12:27AM and I think it's time to leave the Computer Centre and go back to the room.

Time to think

For the record, I'm tired of overthinking.

But this is the time to think. Time to think about the friendship (its nature and complexities), organizations (how it sometimes brings people together, sometimes breaks them apart), honours year project (and how to make it exist), work (and colleagues and towering buildings and lunch hours), what-ifs (keeping in mind the butterfly effect), issues (social and personal and how they inevitably meld), events (the big ones like the Pattaya competition and the little ones we tend to overlook), the bigger picture and the finer details.

Yes, this is the time to think. And it's perfect that this directly translates into my precious "me time".

Goodnight world, all my good vibes to you, special mention to those I've been missing lately.

Snob

I checked my Friendster after a long hiatus (I've recently moved to Facebook, but even there I'm rather inactive too), and I realise I can be quite a snob. Haha and all that wanting to connect crap right? Haha. But that was a sincere previous entry okay! Busy lazy tired yeah my usual excuses.XD And yes I'll try not to be a snob anymore.

Okay, for real now, goodnight!

Talk is Cheap

There are many things that I would like to say to you, but I don't know how

I'm still thinking whether I like it when songs tell exactly what I'm thinking. It's like BAM! that's my song -- but so it is to thousands of others at any given time. Anyway it's Wonderwall by Oasis this time.

* * *

My roaming handphone was cut off the other day. It's what I use to receive SMSes from the Philippines (saves my friends and family money that way). Nobody much has been SMSing me lately, actually (maybe because I'm too busy to reply back.. and I call home anyway), but it's a bit sad that I'm a little more disconnected from the world.

Actually, more than that, what I really want to do now is to connect -- in whatever way I can -- to people. I want to tell you this and that and what happened and how I deal but I dunno, I can't, because of this bottomless bag of excuses I've been lugging around with me. That, and I'm tired and lazy and busy.

But I do want to talk. To you. The plural you actually. I wanna talk to old friends. I wanna talk to new friends -- even those I've never met in person. I wanna talk to my loved ones at home. Those I haven't and won't see in a long time. Those I miss. Those who miss me. Those who I secretly miss but don't realise just yet. Those too who I see every day. Those I've been making small chitchat with but never quite the serious talk. And my future Honours Year Project supervisor, I wanna figure out who you are by first finding you!

There are many things I'd like to say to you all, really. And come on, how have you all been? Let's catch up sometime.

* * *

The NUS Choir will fly off to Thailand for the Choir competition on Thursday. I'll be back on Monday. Hope we have a kick-ass time, and well, win while we're at it. In other news, I suspect my four+-year-old laptop is dying, if not practically dead yet. It's typing strange characters even when I'm not pressing (p\8p\\\\888888) , and so it's virtually unusable. Sad. I'm figuring out a way. Attended a wedding last Saturday, 07/07/07, tell you more about it sometime. Happy graduation to those who just finished their Commencement ceremonies! I'm proud of you guys.. and I apologize for not being able to turn up for any of your events. And whoops, sorry too if I was unable to send so much as an SMS.

Time for Jose to sleep now. Work again later yahooo!:P

Like restless wind inside a letterbox

Thoughts meander
Like a restless wind inside a letter box
They tumble blindly
As they make their way Across the universe
_________

I suspect I may have been a die-hard Beatles fan in a past life. Theirs are my happy songs, and quite poetic and quotable too. Even their melancholic songs strike me, and Sgt Pepper, Eleanor Rigby (All the lonely people, where do they come from?) are intriguing characters.

But I digress.

That excerpt was just my way of starting off this entry. A way of describing my state of mind, Beatles-style.:) Thoughts continue to swirl in my head, and I continue to struggle finding ways to put them into writing. Maybe I should, maybe I shouldn't, but actually, that brings me to one of the reasons I thought of writing an entry anyway.

Belated happy birthday Mama! I realise she's one of my most avid readers, and although (or maybe precisely because) we don't talk much on the phone (everyone's in the Philippines and I'm in Singapore), she reads my blog faithfully. She sends me emails too, which I sometimes forget to reply to. So hello there Ma, here's a blog update from me to you, and I hope you had a terrific birthday! I called late at night on June 29 to greet her, and I'm glad that nicely capped her 55th birthday.:) Much love to my Dad and my sister Kai too! I hope you guys are doing great, and thanks Dad for the SMSes (and the use of your credit card!). I got the goodies too that you guys sent to me through Karen, my profuse thanks!

________

A lot of my friends are moving out of NUS too. I told my friend Joanne from Ridge View Residences (that's RVR for you), during her last few days here, that a song I thought she ought to be singing is In My Life. Actually, what really got me was the There are places I'll remember bit and similar lines, never mind the romantic I love you more part (because Joseph's unattached and couldn't relate). And yes, maybe because it's true, all these places had their moments, with lovers and friends, I still can recall.

I'm gonna miss a lot of people in the next schoolyear. But it's okay, the places that I'll remember now bear their invisible indelible marks.


I'll make an abrupt suspension of this entry, as the dryer's done with my clothes, and I should be off to bed so I could wake up tomorrow in time to iron my shirt for work.:) To be continued.

what i really want

is for you
all of you to whom i matter
and who matter to me

to get inside my head
to swim in my thoughts

thoughts and thoughts
that have been swirling
round and round

thoughts i'm too lazy
too busy too exhausted
too scared too paiseh
too selfish too proud

to articulate,
by way of this blog
or otherwise.

the events and places i've been to
people who've kept me company
(and those whose company i keep
only in my thoughts)
sentiments i've been harboring

and the music!
the art, the tube
the fabric, the long walks
the messages (digital or otherwise)
the voices, the stories
(okay some alcohol too)
the memories
that have kept me going

they go
round and round
in and out
of my head
and in again

i sure as hell want
you
to know
to know me

partly because
i've become a lousy blogger
wanting to make amends

partly because
i just miss you!
i'll be missing you
maybe i've missed you before

you
who matter to me
and to whom i matter



now tell me about your day

All's well that ends well

It was a lazy weekend -- and I liked it that way. It was a weekend consisting of a book and a movie at Central Library, Grey's Anatomy, card games like Bridge and Hearts until 5AM, Absolut Vanilla, Choir practice at some faraway place, and capped by a relaxing back-of-a-green-pick-up ride at 1030PM to this prata shop at West Coast, with friends around, in a table with excellent cheese prata (one that would put the Fong Seng coffee shop to shame) and a big mug of ice-cold bandung.

All's well that's ends well, I thought.

I realise, however, that by the same token, all's unwell that ends unwell. I only needed to get back to the room, and well, all's unwell.

Thankful

Results were out Friday -- I'll blog the details sometime else -- but yey Joseph's going for Honours Year! The grades were better than expected, and so Joseph is happy and thankful and will be blogging more about this the next time around.

:)

OK I just have to add on something, because I fear it might be a while since I post.

It feels great to achieve something I've been working hard for. Really, it may not be much (others have much higher academic expectations of themselves), but I'm happy. I'm happy because the hard work paid off, because I don't have to make a surprise graduation this year, because people who matter to me are happy for me -- especially my family who I know have been praying hard for this. I thank my Dad and Ma too especially, who never doubted me, and who nonetheless reminded me that even if I didn't make it, it didn't matter.

I haven't been too prayerful lately, but one thing I always keep in mind is that the Man Upstairs has always been playing some mysterious role in the events in my life (and everyone else's), whether favorable to us or not. I don't know how much he nudged the factors and circumstances in this one, but thank You.

It's good to finally be able to sleep with one less disturbing thought in my head.:D Goodnight!

Restless

I've been wanting to blog for the longest time, but I couldn't for some reason or another. I was walking to Old Chang Kee to buy a breakfast of sorts on my way to the bus stop, where I'd wait for my ride to the MRT station (where in turn I'll take a train to the office), when the thought struck again: Blog tonight.

Now after a long day at the office, heavy choir practice as soon as I arrived in the evening (no dinner too until 9:30PM), and an embarrassing one-on-one session with Adyll, our student conductor, I cannot quite bring myself to write a decent entry.

I can tell you what's bugging me though: the examination results will be out tomorrow. From seven o'clock in the evening they'll be up online. Oh man, am I scared. It's make or break, and I'm just so freakin' restless I think I'm even getting cranky already. And I really mean make-or-break, as in if I screw up, I don't get into Honours Year next year, and I'll be forced to graduate in July 2007, instead of July 2008.

Say a quick prayer for me please? Or if you don't pray much, just send me all your good vibes yeah? Thanks.

I'll probably be at the office to check my results. The officemates are planning a night-out, and we interns, I believe, are invited as well, but of course I may just pass if the big news I'll be getting isn't quite worth celebrating.

Anyway I'm now restless, in more ways than one (get it? GET IT?), and I think I'll iron my workclothes and catch some sleep. Goodnight.

I wouldn't have posted but...

... it was Moms' day until about 20 minutes ago, and when I called home one of the first things she asked was whether I had any new blog post.:)

Mama was never the type who would talk long with you on the phone (maybe she's worried about the phone bill, I don't know haha... and it was even me who was doing the calling), but you just know she keeps tabs on you, in an affectionate kind of way.

Now this isn't gonna be a cheesy entry, nope Sir, not at all. It's just another "Hello World" entry to update you guys what I've been up to. And of course, so that Ma will be a bit more pleased when she goes online. Hehe.

I've decided to upload some pictures instead. Haha. I'll upload the pictures from clubbing at Gotham Penthouse when cool partygirl Myriel uploads them on Multiply. (Myriel is unlikely to read this--but here's me intensely hoping/willing/sending off vibes to Myriel in the Philippines so she'd upload the pics soonest!) XD Hot photos there with me, Myriel, Karen, Nestor, Ferron, and Nestor's friend Jonas.:)

OK let's get it on with the photos I do have. The first of the more eventful things that happened lately was of course THE END OF THE EXAMS. The exams happening is one thing, them actually ending is another event altogether, as far as I'm concerned.

The first photo at the right isn't the usual look of my room OK -- it was a photo right after my last exam, Financial Mathematics. It was my sixth exam, and the most dreaded too. I think it was Karen (or me?) who said that one's room reflects a person's state of mind, so you can figure out from the photo how much sanity (and dead brain cells) I had left after six grueling exams.

[Room update: I've moved out of my favorite room 801 here at Tower Block of Ridge View Residences, and I'm here now at my friend Aaron's room, 806. It's been a major chore moving out and moving in, and tidying up the place while Aaron's back home in Malaysia, but it's all almost done now, so we just have to get used to it. Aaron and I are such cheapskates, we're sharing the room to split the outrageous $60/week cost of stay for the holidays. And for the record, I'll be sleeping on the floor when he arrives.]

After my last exam on May 2nd, I had lunch with Shirley, my Financial Maths buddy, and headed back to my room for a well-deserved nap. I watched a free musical at the Univ Cultural Centre with Joanne in the afternoon, dropped by the Forum to torture Karen who still had another exam left, and to say hi to Carina, Myriel and Ferron, and went back to my room to rest. Rest was essential because the next day would be my first day at work! (Yes it was no rest for Jose)

One of the perks of doing an internship at a consulting firm is that I get to wear yuppie clothes. Haha. Slacks and long-sleeved shirts. Now I have reason to go shop at G2000. There was a G2000 sale lately and I helped myself to a couple of shirts and pairs of slacks. The photo above wasn't taken on my first day at work though. It was taken on the day I went for the contract-signing, one of those days withing exam period. It was a quickie: they told me to go at 11am, I went there, signed the contract, and was off! By 12 noon I was back in NUS and was off to the library to mug again.

I tried taking a full-body shot, but it didn't turn out so nice (Yes I also don't know if my camera has a timer!):

Anyway, I digress again. Yes yes it was the first day of work on May 3rd and of course I had to take photos before I left for Raffles Place.
This was fresh from the shower. I realized my hair isn't quite Prison Break anymore (hmmm shall I have another haircut?), so it was time for some wax.


No more full-body shots this time. Hehe.

Anyway it's getting late and I should turn in now if I want to be up on time tomorrow. I'll leave you with these photos I took at my workplace last Friday. My camera's beeps when I take a shot, so I couldn't take photos while my officemates were around. When they went for a project meeting at 7PM last Friday (official hours are until 630PM, but nobody ever moves at that time 'cos there's a lot of work to be done -- of course we interns can leave early but most of us prefer not to)
You can just tell it's my desk because of the multiple pens and highlighters, and well, what I like to call "organized mess". It works for me, you know. Hehe. It can be sparkling clean on other times of the day, but Friday was particularly heavy, so I have an excuse.:)

I've been working as Junior Analyst at Carrots Consulting for seven days now, or a week and two days. Carrots Consulting may seem to have a strange name, and its small team may make it look like it's a tiny company, but it has big-name clients like Starhub, Singtel, PSA, SMRT, SPH, Singapore Airlines, among others. It's an HR consulting company, involved in salary-benchmarking and development of performance and reward structures for companies. I like the work I'm doing because I can see the application of my major, Statistics, in the field of finance and business. Admittedly though, the work is quite dry, but it's OK, I'm learning and having first-hand experience.

I haven't gotten bored yet, too, so it can't be bad at all. In fact, time flies while I'm at work. Can I actually be enjoying my internship? Haha.

Alright, time to sleep. I'll steal a shot of this lovely painting at the office sometime, and for sure I'll post the photo here.:)

Hello World!

Here's a quick holler to the blogosphere just to say Joseph is alive and well, and that an unblogged lot has happened since his last post. He'll update when he shakes off this nasty flu bug, and he gets a break from internship work during the weekend.

Joseph's feeling good tonight -- and he hasn't even toothbrushed nor showered yet! (Will do so in a minute Ma!)

Sweet dreams to you all!

Joseph's World in Numbers

OK, Joseph has been conspicuously MIA in the blogosphere lately, but for good reason! Mugging season has long begun, and in fact, the exams have been streaming in! Woohooo.

I've been thinking of the exams as this series of random bullets fired away at all of us poor undergrads, and mugging (i.e. studying like crazy) has been our means of defense: crafting out formula sheets, reading and re-reading lectures and tutorials and scriobbling what I like to call 'power notes', and for those with film modules like me, watching movies (haha!) in our deeply concentrated efforts to create a protective intellectual armor (or force field if you like) that could withstand the onslaught of academic bullets during those fateful two-hour sessions in the exam hall. The longer and more intensive one mugs for his papers, the greater the odds he emerges out of the war unscathed.

But to come out unscathed is rather improbable, really, for mere mortals -- we can only hope to come out in good spirits, if at least alive, once the examiner announces his inevitable final words: Stop writing. The poor students flick their pens and pencils away and breathe a sigh of resignation, as the invigilators gather their spoils, or exam papers, rather.

But Joseph digresses. (In fact, this whole blog entry is a digression too actually) This is a blog entry about my current life and state of mind in numbers, and here goes.

6 exams for this semester, 3 of which are over, 3 more to go.

0 number of times Joseph will take six modules ever again, and 0 number of times he will take another fun English module :(. One can only complete a Minor in English Studies too soon, really. And besides, I took 7 English modules already, a module excess of the required 6.

1 internship interview Joseph went for, and 2 days after, he was hired! For 3 months he will be junior analyst at Carrots Consulting, a small firm with big-name local companies as clients. 800 buckaroos will be his compensation per month. Whee.

It will be 8 months before Joseph goes home to the Philippines, and it is the 1st time that he won't be home for about a year -- the longest time ever.

3.50 is the magic number, on which Joseph's Honours year, a.k.a. Year 4, depends, and if he had his way, he'd want to get as far as possible from this borderline.

Now this isn't a number, but Joseph got an A- for the painful EN3242 History of Film essay he wrote some weeks ago, so yey! Thank you Karen for helping me clarify my essay topic and helping to sort out the mess that was my original hazy and muddled argument. :D Thank you, Robert Altman and Jean Renoir, too, for making Gosford Park and The Rules of the Game, which served as the material of interest for my essay.

3241 and 3239 are the hardcore ST (Statistics) modules I'm taking in two days' time, so let the mugging and the panic resume!

Expect another blog entry again in, well, X days. Hee. Wish me luck for the exams!

Detachment

Detachment is the key to getting any work done.









:(

Joseph is swamped and stumped and stressed and sleepy. He's so tired he could sleep for a week. But no, he must conquer a mind-numbing ten-page film history essay, a statistics assignment involving hours at the lab, a group homework for linguistics class. Fortitude, Jose. Fortitude.

Here come the blues

The time's 1:33AM, and I feel like giving myself some good ol' self-flagellation. I shall spare you the gory details, but suffice it to say that exams are in three weeks' time, and Joseph has not received any good news for the entire semester.

Lately he's been distracted too.. wandering around in Multiply and Friendster and Blogger and chitchatting on Yahoo Messenger. His batchmates and close friends in the Philippines are graduating (most of them at least), and he can't help but want to catch up with them before they disperse into the realm of the workplace -- if only to ask how they've been, if they're graduating at all, how they're dealing with the thought of graduation and all. Joseph has also tinkered with the html and CSS codes controlling layout and formatting of his Blogspot and Friendster and Multiply pages, thanks to his newly-installed Photoshop CS2, and Joseph's pleased for the most part, until he remembers he has used up precious mugging time.

But it's not all bad really. Sometimes Joseph can just be temperamental. One moment he's giddy and pleased with himself, the next moment he feels the world is on the verge of crashing down (it hasn't crashed yet, and thus the increased tension and panic).

I wanted to make a happy post, really, a few hours ago -- too bad happy moments tend to just fly by in an instant.

Oh well, thank God for therapy: chocolate, music, and Prison Break. And friends too.

My Stupid Mouth

Tonight the NUS Choir performed at Amplitude (combined concert of the NUS hall choirs) as guest choir. I rushed off afterwards to attend Rohit's birthday celebration at my hostel. He's my friend Ivy's Indian boyfriend, he lives in the same floor as me (in fact the room I stay in currently was his room last year). Oh and I called my dear Lola Doding this morning. I love talking to my grandmas -- they always seem to just genuinely care. (I called home too, but nobody picked up... maybe they were at Church that time. I'll call some other time instead.=P ) So those are the highlights of today (or yesterday). Nothing much, really. I didn't get to study again and I'm beginning to get annoyed with myself.

* * *

The other night I made a semi-drastic decision. I had my hair shaved off. Ala Michael Scofield of Prison Break. Haha. I didn't do it because I'm such a fan of the show (although I really am), I did it for kicks. Actually it's more of an outward expression of a new change -- the time has come to shift gears and mug like crazy for the upcoming exams. Seriously, it's gonna be dangerous, and it's time to buck up.

My hair has gotten mixed reviews. Karen was stunned and said it's masculine and it's like I've gotten a shot of testosterone (of course she said this in a more "Karen" fashion and I'm just paraphrasing it to cushion the impact); Chun Fang of Choir couldn't help but rub my head every moment she gets; Xianling thinks it's sexy yehey; Kurien wants me to shave it all off instead of leaving some short short length of hair; Aaron realised that my head is triangle-shaped for the first time; Joanne thought it was nice; Yao Hsien calls me Scofield now; and Johannes went, "What did you do to your hair?" as soon as he saw me. Haha I don't care much, really. I like it, it's different, and some people like it -- and that's good enough for me.

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My fellow bass in choir, Zhijin, is this fun and friendly guy from China who does a strange amusing thing: he slaps his face whenever he sings a wrong note. It's adorable really, it's quite cute. Here we are singing in rehearsals, and he suddenly just slaps himself. I could help but chuckle, haha that funny guy.

I'm saying this because I realise I've been talking a bit too much. I talk too fast, that's a given, but I also talk too much. I talk sometimes with less tact than others would expect, I talk crap and just humiliate myself really, I speak my mind at the expense of my dignity. On one hand, I am outspoken -- and that makes me feel good, that somehow I feel deserving of my post as editor of the Outspoken desk of The Ridge. It's good to be outspoken, this I'm absolutely sure of, but there are times too when the right, more prudent, thing to do is to shut up. As I've told newly-elected Choir President Aaron earlier this evening after a verbal spectacle, I've already ruffled some feathers, which is a good thing, but I think my ruffling-feathers time is up. Even in Rohit's party later after Amplitude, my big mouth got the better of me and I think I just embarrassed myself.

Maybe I should follow Zhijin and slap myself too, not when I sing wrong notes, but when I'm about to blurt out stuff that could very well be word vomit.